


Hands Off

by sirensoundwave



Series: Reality of Chaos [8]
Category: Harry Potter (sorta), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Avengers just want to know wtf, F/M, Gen, Heimdall tried, M/M, New Yorkers being New Yorkers aka BAMFs, Odin's A+ Parenting, Sagittarius is kinda an ass, There's not enough asprin in the world, bending the multiverse, but is out of fucks to give at this point, but it's justified, chaos mage concept, patchwork reality, preceding was sarcastic, random insanity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-02-04 05:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1766725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirensoundwave/pseuds/sirensoundwave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neutral doesn't mean passive nor without feeling. Someone is not very happy when they see a rival's attempt to steal their lover. This piece of insanity put Thor in an awkward position, shows Loki in another light and reveals the brothers' family tree is more interesting than everyone thought. Playing with the order of events at the end of the Avengers movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hands Off

**Author's Note:**

> So...anybody know how to keep plot bunnies from escaping? Anyone? Fences don't mean shit to them apparently. 
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE:
> 
>  
> 
> For the first time, I am using my Chaos Mage concept to connect fandoms without either of my OCs. Sagittarius is my version of Roy Harper/Red Arrow from Young Justice. He is several star cycles (millions of years) younger than his twin brothers Castor (Klarion the Witchboy) a dark mage and Pollux (Wally West/KidFlash) a light mage. He is a neutral, a bit of an odd ball seeing as most mages are either light or dark affinity. Darks are generally loosely wrapped bags of crazy. Lights tend to be pleasant until you annoy them. But exceptions do exist.
> 
>  
> 
> For anyone not reading Parallels, Sagittarius has pretty much the opposite persona of the character he plays as Roy. His attitude is bad but it takes a lot to get him to actually show his anger. His voice rarely has much inflection and he often wears a blank expression...as if he's bored all the time. Think Mai from Avatar the Last Airbender. That said, if he's yelling at you, you're already kinda screwed.
> 
>  
> 
> This song is older than I am but I was reminded of it when the movie Once Bitten (also older than me...), was playing on a random tv in my house when Avengers was playing in the room I was half awake in a while ago. Here's Hands Off by Maria Vidal.

 I'm in no mood for competition,

I've got no time for playing games.

I've no intention to share him,

With anyone else.

 

Oh!

 

Hand's Off!

He belongs to me,

 

Hand's Off!

His my private property,

 

Hand's Off!

I'll tell you just one last time

The boy is mine...

 

 

*HO*

 

Hulk was just about to deliver a crippling blow to Loki as he tried to crawl away. Hulk smash puny god good!

 

When a shadow knocked the big guy into a building two blocks away.

 

Tony could only blink dumbly as the green blur sailed past him much faster than he had flown in on his way to investigate the downed trickster. This wasn't good. Loki had managed to drive Hulk back only by blasting with his staff. Said staff now lay far from his reach. He looked to be in no condition to retrieve it anyhow.

 

But a mystery ally that could bitch slap Big Green like the hand of god right into yesterday would definitely complicate things. More so than the fleet of alien invaders.

 

/Wait...did I just quote Godsmack? How obscure it that!?/

 

"What the fuck?!" Hawkeye exclaimed. He was the one closest to the impact site. Hulk wasn't making any move to get up, only groaning like that really hurt. Face screwed up in that expression we all get when we injure ourselves beyond our pain threshold.

 

The 'hand of god' belonged to a figure draped in a black cloak. A bit shorter than Loki, the figure seemed to shrink even more once they stopped levitating to kneel by the injured god. The latter open his mouth to speak only to be silenced by a tan finger. The same hand then offering gentle caress to his bloody cheek.

 

"I know babe." The stranger gave a wry chuckle that confirmed their gender as male. "Poor thing."

 

Okay. That's great.

 

Ally, not so much. Boyfriend, seems way more likely.

 

Well shit.

 

Someone loves that schizophrenic psy-

 

/What is up with me?/ Tony took a defensive stance.

 

"JARVIS any idea who just showed up tardy to the party?"

 

"No sir. However the new arrival is radiating a similar energy signature to Thor and Loki."

 

"More trouble from Asgard huh?"

 

"Perhaps not sir."

 

Walking along the demolished street, this guy was not concerned with the Chitauri forces turning their attention to him. Three riders surged, weapons blasting deadly energies. The charges coming in contact with something that shimmered white as the force dispersed across it's convex surface. Undaunted, the aliens continued to fire.

 

"Fuck off." He held out his hand and a beautiful golden archery bow materialized in his grip. He swept that one hand wide and the three riders became six pieces. The bow tips were apparently blades. He continued on his way to stand directly under the slowly growing portal. A matching arrow appearing in his free hand to be nocked and aimed straight up.

 

"This should be interesting..." Stark thought absently. He didn't know he was the only one able to hear the new guy.

 

"Hey you shovel-faced dipshit! Stop being a creepy perv! Keep your hands and mind raping powers to yourself!" With that final shout, the arrow flew towards the gate, morphing from a thin line to a broad beam of light.

 

A deafening boom sounded once the projectile hit it's target, rocking the area and forcing the Avengers to take refuge from falling debris.

 

By the time everyone had their wits back, they found themselves dodging the sudden downpour of alien soldiers and whale...ship...thingies. Only then did anybody notice the portal was gone.

 

So were Loki and their savior.

 

Aboard the helicarrier, Fury and the council were blinking dumbly at each other. Neither sure what to say after all shadowy faces on the screens had been moments away from giving the order to turn Manhattan into Hiroshima to the Nth degree when the stranger showed up and shut that tesseract shit down.

 

"..."

 

"So, am I back in charge now?"

 

"..."

 

"Council?" Nick raised the brow of his good eye.

 

"..."

 

"Silence won't accomplish-"

 

"Find them. Now. Something that powerful cannot go unchecked." A male voice snapped before the feeds all cut out.

 

"Well, that was rude. Even for those stuffed shirts." The Director slowly massaged his temples, wondering if pain killers or a stiff drink would best head off the coming migraine. "Here we go..."

 

Several days passed before the Big Apple got anywhere close to normal operation. Residents weren't bothered by the fact that there was now definitive, irrefutable proof of alien life so much as that the proof was all over the place and messing with their daily commute. This made clean up rather interesting.

 

The transit systems bounced back in 24 hours. That's it. One day after abandoning their buses and running for their lives, drivers were once again navigating the traffic jungle heedless of dead aliens, crushed vehicles and other assorted particularly shrewd veteran civil servants found it simpler to drive over the Chitauri than around them.

 

Cyclists weaving through crews trying to haul away corpses were especially a hazard. They were either constantly getting clotheslined or just plowing into unsuspecting workers at 20 mph. Then screaming about the "government clowns" messing up their route.

 

Throughout all this, SHIELD remained tight lipped to the media. In an official statement, the agency merely said that the incident had been dealt with and the populous had nothing to fear. The invaders were no longer a threat.

 

While having no idea if that was true or not.

 

So it stands to reason that the newly formed Avengers would still be on high alert since the instigator of the whole crisis was MIA. It wouldn't be for three weeks that they got any answers on that front. Unfortunately no one anticipated how...confusing those answers would be.

 

Late one night, Tony was awakened by JARVIS. The inventor fell asleep reviewing files from his father's heyday while in the lab. Files that Fury probably had no idea he'd 'obtained'.

 

"You may wish to hear this sir."

 

"Wha?" He mumbled while wiping drool from his chin. The audio from surveillance filtering through his brain got his full attention in a hurry though.

 

[That was for not noticing something was wrong you great oaf!]

 

Loki was in the tower?!

 

"JARVIS, where's the video?"

 

"My cameras do not seem to be functioning in that particular room. I am able to confirm from voice recognition the presence of Thor, Loki and the mysterious ally from the attack."

 

[Brother be reasonable. I admit your behavior was slightly off but I merely thought you'd grown bored as you often do. I assumed you took a page from the Great Puck's book. We so rarely get to interact with mortals it seemed like fun for once. Meeting Lady Jane was a most fortuitous benefit.] Thor sounded as if he were trying to justify himself instead on the other way around.

 

WHAM!

 

Now in pain, if the groaning was any indication.

 

[You blew your obviously unwell brother off for the remote chance at diddling a human woman? Really T? That is the absolute definition of being a dick head.] That voice was new. Somewhat monotone yet able to drip with sarcasm. It reminded Tony of the mystery archer from the day before too... [Ass. Thanos has been perving on him since forever and doesn't understand the words 'not interested' or 'go fuck yourself'. Or 'stay out of my head' apparently'.]

 

[Yes well I'm sure he gets it now. An affinity charged arrow to the groin would convey your sentiments quite well.] Loki snorted.

 

[Thanos IS a guardian not a mage. Should he not be...well wiser?] Thor sounded like he was getting up off the ground.

 

The resulting silence was oppressive.

 

[Mighty Uncle Vishnu, fucking head case. Decided to break the only rules we live by because 'perfection is above limits' and turned his reality into an irreparable void.] Mr. Monotone scoffed.

 

[Infallible Uncle Yahweh, threw a tantrum of epic proportions that left his reality with no real anchor, all manner of creatures running unchecked further destabilizing it, and two mages determined to slaughter each other.] Loki recited dryly.

 

"JARVIS, what the hell am I listening to?!"

 

"It appears Loki and Thor's family is much more unconventional than first assumed."

 

[Hey Tinman, eavesdropping is rude. If you have questions, come ask us not your glorified SIRI program.]

 

Tony immediately ran to wake up the other 3, nearly getting killed twice by high strung assassins. The sight that awaited them didn't make sense.

 

Their resident god of thunder was sitting on the floor with a foot shaped print on the left side of his face. Across from him, his wanted brother. Curled up in the lap of a redhead with dull green eyes. A redhead wearing the same cloak from almost a month ago.

 

"Yo."

 

"What the hell is that bastard doing here?!" Natasha wasted no time whipping out her side arm. Thor briefly wondered where in her rather revealing black nightie she'd been hiding the weapon before opening his mouth but...

 

"I imagine recovering from being drop kicked in the jaw Ms. Romanoff." Red replied without so much as a hint of fear. "I'm Sagittarius, the answer to the question you should have asked by the way."

 

"Uh huh. Well right now you're trespassing. Not to mention aiding and abetting." Steve frowned.

 

"Too bad someone stole any fucks I had to give flag boy." He shrugged. "Besides, what kind of person would I be if I just let the not-so-jolly green giant beat my defenseless match silly."

 

"Flag boy!?" The first avenger sputtered indignantly.

 

"Oh I am sooo using that." One guess who said that.

 

"Well excuse me and the other guy for trying to stop a threat to humanity." Banner huffed.

 

"Defenseless my ass." Natasha spat.

 

"Wait...match?" Clint frowned.

 

"Oh yes that's right...you don't know. Even though somebody was supposed to open his THUNDEROUS maw BEFORE getting you all involved in something that wouldn't have happened at ALL if he hadn't been more interested in getting to the bottom of some mortal WENCH than his own twin's irrational behavior!" Loki leaned forward, voice rising with each word till he was practically screaming. Straining against Sagittarius' grip on his waist.

 

"Back up, you guys are twins? I thought-" Tony tried to interject.

 

"You're not going to let this lie are you?" Thor groaned.

 

"Is Jotenhiem not a frozen wasteland?"

 

"By the Allfather brother I am sorry! Yes I am at fault. But I should think our father should bear some blame! He noticed nothing as well!"

 

"Way to pass the buck. Yeah Odin is just as stupid as you were. But he isn't the one who didn't notice Loki's eyes were the wrong color."

 

"No but he was willing to chuck me in the dungeons to rot once returned."

 

"Awe baby, you're so cute when you pout. No wonder shovel face can't get over you. Too bad you're MINE."

 

About then, the hamsters running everyone's brain wheels had a mild seizure. Well, Stark's just tripped over itself before slowly getting back up to speed.

 

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" They all yelled as Tony rubbed his face. He was more annoyed with being ignored than anything at this point.

 

"I believe the floor is yours dear brother." The god of mischief smiled wickedly.

 

"I'll bet they're dying to know."

 

"You surely jest."

 

"Don't call me Shirley. Make with the 'xplainey Thunderbutt."

 

*tbc?*

 

.

 


	2. Akik vs The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So...who's familiar with the basic principles of Scott Pilgrim and Ranma Nibun no Ichi? :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven’t noticed, several of my “Reality of Chaos” fics are pretty much an excuse to fuck with various characters. Mainly, Megalomaniac, Idiotproof...is Highly Suspect Terminology, and this. They show just how interconnected the multiverse really is as well as the other side of my chaos mage concept: that their lives (when not in mortal danger) are one long circus parade. My characterization of Thor is noble, brave and well intentioned. But not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

Thor's explanation however stopped before it started. Due to the alerts going crazy.

 

"This better be good." Tony grumbled suiting up. Usually up for whatever, Stark would rather watch Thor twist in the wind right now. "Stay put Reindeer Games. You too Cupid."

 

"It’s cute that you think you can order us around." Sagittarius snorted. "If it’s entertainment you want, you won't be disappointed. This mess is all on Thunderbutt." Without a sound,  the couple sank into a black portal that seemed to open up right under them on the sofa.

 

"This...is not good." Thor spoke slowly as if straining to hear something. Then rocketing off, Mjolnir leading the way. Thank god JARVIS had the foresight to open the damn window first. Glass was not a deterrent to the Norse god in a hurry.

 

“JARVIS what’s going on?” Natasha asked, earning a glare from Tony.

 

“There appears to be a battle of sorts occurring near the Brooklyn Bridge. Energy readings are similar to that of our guests though not quite as strong. Still they are causing quite a bit of panic and destruction.”

 

“Joy. Guess we better get moving”” Clint rolled his shoulders.

 

At the scene, many confusing things.

 

First of all, Thor , Sagittarius and Loki were just...standing there. Watching the battle like a tennis match or something. Since when was this a spectator sport?!

 

Second, the battle seemed to to be taking place between a young woman with frizzy brown hair dressed in a light brown dress with a dark brown sarong and a set of wide silver cuff bangles on her wrists and bare feet. Her opponents weird creatures that looked like Tim Burton’s imagination got a hold of two Carebears. Big, hairy mothers with teeth and claws but one was solid blue, the other fire engine red.

 

Third, her weapons. As far as the avengers could tell, she was fighting fire and ice breathing teddies with  feathers and paper. She was fighting with them and freaking winning. Blue bear snuck up behind her and tried to ice her over only to be blocked by a wall of flattened tree pulp. The frigid blast froze the blockade which shattered. Then she threw several white and brown feathers at it before flipping away from a blast of flame from the red one. They struck home in it’s face and eyes. Icy roared in pain, firing off random blasts from it’s mouth. One of which turned it’s partner into an ice sculpture.

 

Little miss papermaster then caused a feather to grow to the size of a full length staff, the plume running along only one side. Clutching the bottom like a hilt, she swung. The supposedly fluffy end slicing through the immobilized bear like a hot knife. The two halves exploding into confetti. Wasting no time, she loped off the blinded one’s head with the same effect.

 

“Get out here and fight your own battles lazy ass!” She shouted to the sky.

 

“As my jewel desires.” a new voice spoke. Then the girls went sailing into a tree clutching her stomach. “Very soon you’ll be my wife. What do you say we skip this formality and go right to the vows?”

 

“I am not marrying you Anu. I didn’t like you before and like you even less now that you’ve sent killer teddy bears after me!”

 

“Oh, but you will. The edict stands my love. Whom ever bests you in battle shall be your groom.” A an ugly, ogre looking gigantic green skinned man in a loin cloth and breastplate appeared in a puff of green smoke. Without batting an eyelash, she swung her featherstaff. Contact with his armour producing a shower of sparks.

 

Meanwhile...

 

“Why aren’t you doing anything? Not that she seems to need any help.” Captain America couldn’t help but gawk.

 

“We’d love to help our niece. Especially since Anu’s a sneaky creep and that first fight was obviously meant to wear her down for him.” Sagittarius frowned watching the brunette lose her weapon to a quick succession of blows to her hands and wrists.  “Unfortunately someone opened his big yap a while ago without consulting a being with higher brain functioning first.”

 

“This is as close as we can get. Ow that had to hurt.” Loki winced as she struck out her foot to catch Anu in the face. The river of black blood, his howl and the sickening crack pretty much confirmed his already crooked nose just got broken. “Huh. I do believe she’s pissed off now. We cannot interfere but if you value your mortal well being you’ll steer clear as well. Akik can’t afford to be distracted.”

 

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?!” Bruce’s eyes flashed. “She’s good but anyone can see she’s fatigued!”

 

“It is beyond us to aid her. It is...partially my fault as well.” Thor grimaced seeing her take a punch to the face. Then to his relief she rolled with the blow. Grabbing his forearm as she fell away and wrapping her legs around the upper arm allowed her to use his forward momentum to flip him behind her into the East River.

 

30 feet away. Many watched in disbelief as the fearsome creature started flailing in the water hollering for his mother. Apparently big boy couldn’t swim. Not that Akik could be bothered to care at this point.

 

“Once you realize you can teleport, I win.” She shouted before turning to glare at the God of Thunder. “PARTIALLY?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”

 

“Akik, child, it was ill worded but meant to protect you.”

 

“Well thank you. Declaring only a mighty warrior who demonstrates to me skill and cunning in battle was worthy of my hand translated into having a line of jerks trying to beat me into the ground so they can marry me. Such wonderful protection Uncle Thor. An edict with a loophole one could wedge a planet through.” If looks could kill, the blond would be atoms scattered to the wind. If tone could, it’d be warmer to stand on Pluto than that spot. “If mother wasn’t otherwise occupied you’d be drooling and hitting yourself with that hammer right now. This is not how I want to spend my childhood!”

 

POP!

 

A puff of smoke surrounded her at that weird sound. Once it cleared, in her place an 9 or 10 year old version stood with hands on her hips. She'd gotten smaller but that frizzy mane was still as big.

 

“Time out. Thor, you set a child up to literally fight off suitors for her hand in marriage?” Black Widow raised a brow. “That’s...”

 

“Appalling?” Sagittarius supplied.

 

“Asinine?” Loki added.

 

“Aggravating?” Akik grumbled.

 

“...I was going to say archaic but those all work too.” she shrugged.

 

“Well...damn.” Tony pouted. though no one could see it. Sexy ninja chick just morphed into a ‘To Catch a Predator’ lure. In the back of his mind, his conscience (yes he’d got one) berated him for finding her other form appealing in any way. Well it was for even considering trying to get her to change back...

 

“Thor why would you even say something like that?! She’s a kid! Er...you are a kid right?” Cap blushed.

 

“To save you the trouble of calculating, she’s about 11.” The snarky redheaded answered.

 

“It was a mistake! She is my only niece, I meant only to ensure a suitable husband for her. A strong warrior. They were supposed to prove their worth by their victories in war or other manly pursuits. Not by combat with her!” Thor shrank under the heated gaze of his comrades. His words failing to justify much of anything. It didn’t escape his notice that Banner was struggling not to Hulk out after that.

 

“Then you should have said that not the other thing! You are gonna fix it or affinity help you when my mother hears of it!” She yelled. Huffing to blow a strand of hair out of her face she cleared her throat. Now that she was still, a lovely brown jewel could be seen glistening upon her brow, nestled under her bangs. “I apologize for my rudeness and the damage my fight caused. My name is Akik, daughter of Lady Psyphire. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” The young girl daintily curtsied, eyes closed, head bowed slightly as a proper lady would in greeting. A gentle smile on her lips.

The Avengers just blinked at the total 180.

 

*H*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, basically mashing up the League of Evil Exes from Scott Pilgrim and Kuno’s declaration about Akane in Ranma 1/2. In both series one idiot is trying to dictate the love life of a girl perfectly capable of holding her own in a brawl. Only in this case it wasn’t done for a selfish reason. It wasn’t particularly well thought out but still not to be mean.
> 
>  
> 
> If you’ve read Idiotproof, you know exactly who Akik is even though she isn’t actually in that story yet. For those who only came across this under the Avengers section, she’s a certain bushy haired know it all from the Harry Potter universe. For those who haven’t read The Road to Hell, her mama is Jasmine Fenton (from Danny Phantom) with psychic powers and totally capable of making that well meaning dolt a drooling headcase.


	3. Worst Laid Plans... Or Not Quite 30 Stories High But Breathing Fire Just The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the notes. Too lazy to update tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup. This is gonna be a bit...odd. I have decided to meld ALL my Reality of Chaos fics together. But this will be most evident in the  stories Facade, Hands Off, Megalomaniac and Idiotproof. Whazzhat mean? Well right now only Idiotproof has a definite plot. The other three are kinda side story drabble and two shot dumps. You guys already know Hands Off and Idiotproof take place at the same time. Then I realized it could be fun (or a trainwreck...) to add in my other mages that as they relate to the current clusterfuck in the Harry Potter reality. Especially in explaining how this shit happened in the first place. So these chapters will be called Intersections #? And posted in all 4. 
> 
>  
> 
> Again anything you need to know about the fandoms used will be explained in chapter or in endnotes. All I'm doing is turning up the crack level. There's no spoilers for those fics here either; just the assumption every Chaos knows who and what they are. Also random cameos from other fandoms will appear from time to time.
> 
>  
> 
> Here we go!

 

*I#1*

 

"I should just like to say you're all dead men walking." Green eyes rolled.

 

"That's big talk coming from you zombie boy.Don't tell me you've been domesticated." A brunette munched on a Twizzler. "Where's the wild n crazy little bastard we know and love?"

 

"Oh come on. You're just as bored as we are." A blonde chuckled. "And about as powerful. Just without as many...restrictions on you."

 

"But he isn't as brain dead as you lot." Another blonde glared from beside green eyes. "I don't know the Lady Sun very well or her match. But the Lord Moon isn't the type to see fucking with his family as a harmless prank. Whatever the 'positives'."

 

"I'm inclined to agree with them. They maybe the youngest of us but Peter and Felix seem infinitely wiser than their elders at the moment." A smooth voice drawled. A black brow above crimson eyes quirked in derision. 

 

"Hush Oidiche." The only female in the room scoffed. "Do you not see the benefits as well as the entertainment value here?"

 

"Yeah, listen to sexy in green." The candy eater giggled earning a glare from her.

 

"Circumstances might have made us different than most second tier mages but our creator can wink us out of existence just the same. We are not risking our lives or Henry's for the sake of amusement. Later losers." With a swirl of shadow,  the young pair vanished.

 

"Hmph. You gonna be a party pooper too Big O?" Another Twizzler was shoved in the brunette's mouth.

 

"I have no intention of aiding or hindering this endeavor Gabriel. Merely observe. And yes Titania I do understand the possible benefits. However the risk isn't quite as worthwhile as you may think in my opinion." Red eyes lazily surveyed his companions. "I am quite familiar with Sylphine, Jasmine, Castor, Pollux and Artemis at least. And how terrifying they can be when properly motivated. So, when asked, I will give them what information I have."

 

"You’re scared of two second tier mages?" The remaining blonde asked, leaning in curiously. "Enough so to play tattle tale?"

 

"Of course not Okuninushi. I have no shame in admitting my wariness lies in several enraged parents whose combined might would be more than enough to scatter me to the ether."

 

"The cost of allowing this shadow world to further fragment could cause a tear. One that cannot be closed thus jeopardizing us all. This so call 'Dark Lord' will be the end of his reality and others if we leave things be. You cannot deny this course of action is the best way to establish ones powerful enough to prevent that." Titania spoke again.

 

"There you go again. It's a means to an end but hardly the best one. As I said count me out. I am far more concerned with what THEY will do to me than you all. Good day Lady and Gentlemen."

 

With a flash of pink, 4 became 3. Three meddling chaos mages. None really with a dark affinity in the traditional sense (as Peter and Felix had) yet known in their realities as masters of trickery and subterfuge. Old hands at getting what they wanted, when they wanted and screwing with people in the process as an entertaining bonus. It just so happens this time their scheme was mutually beneficial to them and their, um, targets.

 

There's no way this could blow up in their faces.

 

*I#1*

 

Gathered together after many mysterious resurrections and other developments, the main powers of Seireitei, Hueco Mundo and the Ningenkai sat down to finally get some straight answers from the revealed Soul King.

 

"Sylphine, what a pleasant surprise!" The 'humble' shopkeeper said out of the blue. A white paper fan snapped open to try and hide it's owner's nervousness. 

 

Everyone sort of looked at each other after the declaration. Confused until...

 

"ELECTRIC ZEPHYR!"

 

The man formerly known as Urahara Kisuke went flying out of the soutaichou's meeting room propelled by a wave of electricity via a new hole in the wall. In the destruction's wake stood a girl Rukia's height. Light brown skin, long black box braids with a single gold butterfly bead on each end. Smoldering aureate eyes glowing. She was huffing raggedly with unabashed anger. After a calming breath, she stepped through the hole after him with the heads of the 13 as well as several guests gaping and on high alert. Well most of them. Several present knew this stranger very well; also that getting in her way might not be so swift at  the moment..

 

And Okuninushi probably deserved whatever she dished out. One of his siblings didn’t so much care if he did as was thrilled it was happening. 

 

"Maa, maa, calm down everyone. That's Sylphy-chan! Ain't she a doll?  I get the feelin it best not to draw her attention away from her current focus though." Gin Ichimaru, now revealed as Izanagimi waved it off.  

 

"WHERE IS MY SON?!" She screeched. 

 

"Yep. Introductions should prolly wait a bit." He smiled with genuine cheer.

 

"...that girl blind sided Urahara." Soutaichou swallowed uneasily. "None of us sensed her until she struck." /Just how powerful are these beings?!/

 

Outside their reality's resident trickster picked himself up in time to narrowly avoid the sharp edge of a tessen swipe. He parried it's twin with Benihime. Electricity sparking with contact. 

 

"Picture this. One minute, I'm singing to my sweet little jewel as he lay down to sleep. The next he vanishes not of his own volition. Across our bond I feel my match do the same. Cas is a big boy, not worried. My baby is my first concern."

 

"Always with that sparkling personality  Now why would I know where darling little Bakaret is?" With a push, he forced her back aways. 

 

"Wrong answer dipshit!” She charged, both tessen sparking like an overloading transformer. 

 

“Geh! Shibari, Benihime!” With a hasty slash of his zanpakuto, a net of black and red energy dropped from nowhere above her.

 

“Reversal of Fortune!” Sylphine called. As the net came down, the blonde found himself switching places with her and ensnared in his own attack. He forgot she could do that!

 

“Shit!” Dispelling it only gave her an opening to grab his neck and begin shaking him like a ragdoll. Affinity was she stronger than she looked...

 

“You're the portal expert. And Oidiche is too smart to lie to me, this was YOUR brainchild. So again, WHERE IS MY SON FUCKER?!”

 

“I (gack!) don’t know what (gack!) you’re (gack!) talking about!”

 

Back with the others...

 

“Is he serious right now?” Kira asked no one in particular. “He does know she could end him right? He’s turning purple...”

 

“Oh, don’t worry Kannon-koi. She needs answers first an ya know dead men tell no tales. Okun-chan just happens ta have once again outsmarted his-self.” Gin grinned. Those who'd moved to attack (or rescue) found themselves held in place by an invisible force. 

 

“Yeah. Outsmarted. That’s what we’ll call it.” Ichigo snorted. “Sylphine is gonna pop that dumbass’s head like a zit if he keeps it up.”

 

“Who is that?” Rukia asked. She really didn’t want to get closer to her friend. Why? It meant getting closer to Aizen, whose lap the orangette sat on. He'd been scary enough as a deluded megalomaniac with a god complex. The revelation of him being Enma, actual god of hell and married to his BROTHER Ichigo (or rather Kishi-Mojin) dialed up the creep factor. 

 

Black clawed nails gingerly trailing along Ichigo’s white clothed thigh; their owner unconcerned with the uneasy fleeting looks thrown his way. Right now he'd rather be ripping said cloth from his lover's body. Hell, he'd settle for just hiking up Kishi-Mojin's kimono so long as it meant making him scream his name in the throes of passion imstead of sitting here with people he doesn't give a shit about. Bend him over the nearest table and give these stuffy brats a show. As loathe as Kishi might be to admit it the fertility god did fancy exhibitionism...

 

For affinity sake! Even their father's first action had been to thoroughly debauch his favorite son before revealing anything! You would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to notice the blonde's flushed and sweaty face; or that Kannon could barely stand much less walk on trembling legs when he did appear. Where else would he inherit such a um, healthy libido? 

 

So unfair... 

 

Well since big brother decided to cheat the test, he supposed he could settle for enjoying the tiny mage strangling him instead.

 

“That would be our cousin Sylphine. The Lady Sun, Wind Witch, Goddess of the Storm and a few other titles. Though falling quite short of thirty stories, she breathes fire in a no less terrifying manner when angered. Just call Okuninushi-niisama Tokyo.” For the second time since their reawakening Fugen Bosatsu (Ulquiorra) made a joke. Now it was officially weirder. Not just because the emo-spada did so but cuz he did it with a deadpan voice. 

 

Across the room Shinji started laughing hysterically. So much so that he wound up on the floor clutching his sides. The captains, lieutenants and espada just blinking at him. This was awkward enough. Then a few of his fellow Visored chuckled too. Ishida face palmed. Sado tried to pretend he hadn't heard but a small smile graced his lips.

 

 

"Hah! Dare ya ta say that to er face mopey." Kenpachi boomed heartily.  "She'll rip yer balls off."

 

"What is so damn funny?! She's going to kill him and you're all laughing!" Youroichi frowned, worried for her friend. So what of he lied to her- 

 

"It's a pop culture reference. Only those living in the human world for more than a few years got the joke. Sylphine is usually so sweet and bubbly but Bakaret is her world. She's scared enough for his sake to really maim nii-san but he won't die." Kisshōten (Orihime) assured confidently. The sound of an agonized gurgling not two seconds later caused her to flinch, some of that confidence to wane. "Probably...maybe." 

 

Stark (Baku) simply snored through the whole ordeal. Despite the ruckus...and tiny Hoshikawa (Lilynette) kicking his sides. 

 

"I (gack) yield!" A feeble gasp escaped his mouth. With barely any air in his lungs and black spots dancing before his eyes, the blonde realized the jig was up. Instantly she dropped him like a stone.

 

"Talk."

 

"He's back where he belongs, his native reality." Rubbing his neck Urahara blinked dumbly. "Hold on, Castor is missing too?"

 

"Already figured that much out and Cas can take care of himself. The problem is I can't open a gateway there. How do I get my son back?"

 

"You don’t." Cue the air around them charging with static again.  "Wait! I mean you don't yet.In the meanwhile he's perfectly safe. Thanks your loving care he is strong enough to act as a true agent of chaos there and stop it from causing a domino effect of destruction. But what do you mean Castor is missing? Only the natives...of...oops."

 

"Oops? OOPS?!"

 

"Um we may have made a boo boo? A slight miscalculation." He started to scoot away. "Turns out hat reality isn't quite as affinity deaf as we thought..."

 

He expected to be violently thrashed again. To have a dainty foot crush his nose or a small fist to bear down on his skull. Not have a gentle hand tilt his head up or a sweet voice speak calmly with an innocent smile. The hard as ice eyes weren't really a surprise. Nor the crushing grip on his chin.

 

"As in the royal 'we'...or other heads I need to knock in?"

 

*I#1*

 

Far removed from that circus, two eternal guardians were having coffee at a quaint Belgian sidewalk cafe. A bit of a ritual for them to meet this way; leaving doppelgangers at their posts while they enjoyed some downtime.  Discussing matters transcending time and space. And how to avoid them.

 

"Pity something blocked such a plot from my all seeing eye." A man smartly dressed in a gold colored business suit spoke. After a sip of his latte he adjusted expensive sunshades which hid his pure white eyes well.

 

"Indeed. What a shame my staff cannot access those hidden events either." The green haired woman nodded brushing a few crumbs from her purple skirt. Not one person noticing her maroon eyes.

 

After a beat the dark skinned man set his mug down, steepled his hands and sat back in his chair.

 

"Plausible deniability is a wonderful thing isn't it Lady Pluto?"

 

"Oh yes Lord Heimdall."  She held up a plate of gingerbread men. "You must try these cookies. The recipe's been in this family for centuries. Each generation is absolutely splendid at replicating it's perfection." 

 

*I#1*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, the joke Fugen made compares Sylphine's assault on Okuninushi to Godzilla destroying Tokyo by using the lyrics of the American cartoon from the 60's.
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> /Up from the depths
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> Thirty stories high
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> Breathing fire
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> His head in the sky...
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> Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla!/
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> In Idiotproof, Castor thinks to himself his dear match could be called Mamazilla when it comes to their son's well being. He does so after realizing he's been summoned to the same world as his missing child (though he doesn't quite realize it's not by the same group yet).
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>  
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> A guardian is the parent of their mages. But no one outside a reality is actually related. Guardians simply see each other as brothers and sisters and in turn mages refer to children of their 'aunts' and 'uncles' as their 'cousins'.
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> A match is the same as a spouse among Chaos Mages. Except divorce isn't a thing...because to match literally means to match souls.
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> Yep. That was Sailor Pluto of Sailor Moon and Heimdall from Marvel comics at the end. Two nearly omnipotent beings... who want no part in the impending shitstorm. Doing what they can not to be drug into it.
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> 
> Parallels introduced Pollux/Kid Flash, Castor/Klarion the Witchboy (Sylphine's match) and Artemis. It is set in Young Justice.
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> 
> At the initial meeting are Felix and Peter from Once Upon a Time. In my fics they are servants of their reality's dark mage Gabriel (Sylphine's twin brother), making them second tier mages. Usually such mages are less powerful than their masters but have more freedom to directly interact with the workings of their reality. Those two are a special case. Their fic is Once Upon a Time in Everlie. 
> 
>  
> 
> The Gabriel present as a conspirator isn't him though. He's the candy loving archangel/trickster from Supernatural. I haven't written a story for that fandom but he is one of its Chaos Mages. He will probably only appear once in awhile or be mentioned as I have yet to establish any real rules for his reality. 
> 
>  
> 
> Titania, queen of the Third Race comes from Gargoyles. In that world the Guardian is actually Puck. He got so bored being in charge he allowed his children Titania and Oberon to believe they were his masters just to be free to have fun. Still Titania suspected things weren't as simple as all that. Their fic is Facade. 
> 
>  
> 
> The the red eyed one is actually Vlad Masters from Danny Phantom where Danny (Nikkou) is really his twin and Clockwork (Ebedi) the Guardian. His true name is Oidiche. While pretty twisted by his own admission,  he isn't dumb. He knows this plan is ill fated from the jump, bailing immediately. His debut is in The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions, the first time we meet Sylphine. The Jasmine mentioned is Danny's sister. 
> 
>  
> 
> The other blonde, Okuninushi is the alter ego of Urahara from Bleach. His father is Gin  (Izanagimi) the real Soul King who set the anime/manga world's events in motion as a test of how his subjects would function if he stepped back a bit. They totally failed. His siblings are whom many Shinto Gods are based:
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> Kenpachi: Battle and war- Hachiman
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> Aizen: Death and destruction, vengeance- Enma
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> Ichigo: Life, birth, protection - Kishi-Mojin (traditionally female in myth)
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> Ulquiorra: Enlightening wisdom, intelligence, understanding, intuition, long life - Fugen Bosatsu
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> Stark: god of dreams and the psyche - Baku; his doll sized helper is Lilynette - Hoshikawa
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> Orihime: good fortune, happiness, beauty - Kisshōten
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> Urahara: cunning, sorcery, medicine, self realization- Okuninushi
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> Kira: God of mercy, forgiveness - Kannon (traditionally female in myth)
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> Yes, there is incest happening in this family of gods. Aizen and Ichigo (brothers) together as well as Kira and Gin (son and father). To be fair a LOT of pantheons do this.
> 
>  
> 
> Lastly, Bakaret is Harry Potter whom Sylphine and Castor have been raising since Dumbledork left him on the Dursely's porch.
> 
>  
> 
> So, whaddya guys think? Good? Bad? Confusing? Lemme know. Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out! 
> 
>  


	4. Heimdall is All Out of Fucks to Give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello!
> 
>  
> 
> If you're just joining us, the following is a warning. For all my lovely return readers, a little clarification. Here goes.
> 
>  
> 
> First of all, my fics have a habit of disregarding canon when it suits me as many fanfics do. However I would also like to point out that in adding Thor to their universe, Marvel did the same thing to Norse mythology. In all honesty if the Marvel versions met their myth counterparts in a dark alley...they'd all get their asses kicked nine ways from Sunday. With the possible exceptions of Sif and Loki. Sif because myth pretty much portrays her as a mannequin defined by her “fair golden” hair who has no issue letting her man-child of a husband Thor beat the shit out of whatever happens to be causing her grief as opposed to the (not married) Warrior Goddess we meet in the Thor movies who’d sooner rush upon her own blade than play damsel in distress. And bring up the hair thing, she dares you.
> 
>  
> 
> Loki only because he was made physically strong enough by Marvel to go toe to toe with Thor. The trickster persona, the cunning, the sass and him being the original Houdini are all true to his legend. Mythology’s most epic rap battle titled “Lokasenna”, starts off rather inexplicably and doesn’t really end well for him but is basically 60+ stanzas of Loki airing everybody’s dirty/sexy laundry just cuz he’s pissed.
> 
>  
> 
> Everybody else is kinda screwed. There’s also the fact that the Jotun aren’t exactly terrible savages...
> 
>  
> 
> Yeah, anyhoo this chapter explains Heimdall’s presence at the end of I#1 and lays a bit of ground work for Thor’s explanation to the Avengers. Beware of shifting tenses. And yes, there is a difference in how our favorite bridge warden thinks and how he speaks.

*HO*

  


Heimdall, proud all seeing guardian of the bifrost, just didn’t give a good god damn anymore. Why? Let's see.

 

Suggesting that the tattered remains of 10+ realities (the actual number is somewhat debatable) merge to produce a single stable reality doesn't make one wise. It means you had one good idea.

 

Wielding the most powerful of spears, Gungnir, did not make you all powerful. It began as your conduit after all. The real story behind it's elevation in status (your tripping, gouging out your own damn eye on the tip and thus sealing the realms to Yggdrasil [the only one NOT about to collapse, more on that later] by you flowing blood) by complete accident makes you clumsy but insanely lucky. You just as easily could have gained an air hole in your brain. It also makes you a wonderfully bold faced attention seeking liar to have proclaimed it your intention all along then bask in the adoration of your ‘great sacrifice’ that followed.

 

Sealing away the dark elves and taking not one but two precious treasures from the Jotun in order to defeat both did not make you all knowing. It made you capable of basic reasoning. And kinda a dick. The best way to get rid of people you can't exactly destroy lest the balance unravel who are trying to overthrow you? Make sure they can't get to you. How do you rub in the face of one of the only other rules able to match your power level that you are superior, nevermind such a rivalry only existed in your own mind as the Ice Giant couldn’t be bothered to even acknowledge anything of the sort (he sort of had other shit to do...like write poetry*)? Steal his conduit and child thus turning his world into a wasteland and causing him and his consort unbridled grief. See? Diiiiiick.

 

Chastising your battle hungry firstborn for wanting to go to war with the Frost Giants so “they may know their place” doesn’t make you a good king. It makes you a hypocrite seeing as that’s exactly why you did it ages earlier. On the subject of poor royal decisions. As an afterthought, raising their stolen prince alongside your own son with the hope that as they grew so would something more than brotherly love so a marriage could be achieved and you had a face saving reason to return the Casket (because it finally occurs to you that having one realm off balance MIGHT be an issue) demonstrates a lack of understanding in matters of the heart. And common sense.

 

All of this does make you one being, Odin Borson. The insufferable prick Heimdall found himself in service to. Thanks to a technicality. It’s all very simple really. Contrary to what mythology (and Odin’s ego) would have one believe, Asgard is not special. Not even remotely. It is merely one of nine realms tethered to the branches not roots of Yggdrasil, the cosmic tree. Nor does the Bifrost connect only Asgard to Midgard but is the main throughway between all worlds. There are other ways of course but the major one is controlled by the gold clad sentinel and by extension Odin. What many fail to realize is this not bestowed upon him as some sacred duty. Nor was it some kind of punishment. The fact of the matter is Odin’s guard dog is the one thing giving the great tree it’s vitality and thus the nine realms bound to it’s life giving branches. Most old enough to know this truth have long since perished, save the rulers of the realms who were in fact formerly guardians of their own separate realities like himself. And even a few of them have conveniently forgotten. Their subjects live blissfully unaware of delicate balance of their existence.

 

Oh, but Odin knows. He knows that since pretty much all of his power is now devoted to maintaining the tree (that isn’t really a tree but the primordial reality of his own Heimdall never really got around to developing much for one reason or another), he cannot rise up and dethrone him. Odin knows he is too much of a bleeding heart to simply allow it to collapse and doom so many who are undeserving of such a fate. That his dear sister Sif would be heartbroken to know he were the cause of so many if he did.

 

So he stands. He watches. He waits.

 

Subverting that old goat at every turn.

 

It was he who let Loki into Jotunheim. Even in his weakened state, there’s no way a single mage could imprison a Guardian. Or avoid his gaze. If the orange eyed warrior wanted to know where you were in the nine realms, he did because the realms were all APART of him. He told Odin that to rattle his chain.

 

He knew Loki was poisoned by Thanos’ lust driven touch, slowly going mad. Something he had warned the Asgardian king of only to be dismissed as paranoid. Be told Loki must be held accountable for his own actions. “Thanos wouldn’t dare such an affront!”

 

He let Thor and his band of hooligans pass into Jotunheim then to Midgard not by finding a loophole in Odin’s orders. But because he damn well felt like it...but the loopholes helped. Doing whatever he could to hopefully draw his royal pain in the ass’ attention to his ‘son’s’ plight. Who responded by assuming Loki was merely jealous of his brother  and arrogance (pot, kettle, black), no more no less, and that drove his campaign. Though he did concede hiding his origins might not have been the swiftest thing to do. Thor, whom he’d had such high hopes for not being a complete imbecile, just went with the flow once back in his father’s good graces.

 

And our eternal watcher resisted the urge to bang his head upon the hilt of his own sword.

 

Repeatedly.

 

He is all seeing not omnipotent. So, he didn’t foresee Loki’s assassination of his biological father and the backlash it would have during all this. No not war, that happens all the time out of boredom. The issue of him having to directly support Jotunheim as it’s anchor died thus being unable to keep the half crazed dark mage from falling right into Thanos’ clutches from the bifrost. That backlash. Luckily Laufey did not perish outside his reality and with time could be reborn. His realm yes but the merger had made all worlds connected to the Tree one reality so...anyway all wasn’t lost. Odin obviously remembered that as he didn’t totally freak out over it once recovering from Odinsleep.

 

Then came the Chitauri invasion. Loki’s insanity reached critical mass. And young Sagittarius, having had enough of not knowing where his lover was, appeared with no respect for the rules of etiquette and put Thanos in his place. One wasn’t suppose to just traipse across realities as one pleased without permission or invite. Of course the golden archer didn’t really care for Odin much either...

 

Now Heimdall found himself striding towards the throne room. Though he could be heard quite clearly from his post, Odin had requested all his nobles be present for an announcement. Though even as he approached, he could hear him speaking. The urgency must have been too great to wait for him. Perhaps he finally learned the lessons his sentry had been trying to teach him. That the Allfather wasn’t exactly All-powerful nor always right. The proof of Thanos’ taint was all right there, laid so plainly even Thor now understood his dear brother had been nothing more than a mad man’s puppet.

 

“-nd these crimes cannot go unpunished. Loki has slain the Jotun king, lain waste to Midgard and attempted to usurp the throne of Asgard through patricide. Midgard’s mightest have proven themselves unfit to apprehend, much less pass judgement upon him. It is the Allfather’s decry that Loki Odinson, Prince of Asgard be brought before me to stand trial.”

 

And perhaps Múspellsheimr** had suddenly frozen over.

 

The sound of an armored boot scraping the floor as he used his forward momentum to swing his outstretched leg around and do an about face was a bit grating to his own ears but not nearly as those words

 

“I am officially DONE.” he murmured, now stomping away from his original destination.

 

Fuck Odin.

 

Fuck Thanos.

 

JUST FUCK THIS.

 

Asgard could burn for all he cared. And probably would once the All-faker’s shit finally caught up to him. Which by his estimates would be soon given the arrival of Gaia’s third son. In the form of an army of mages, priests, priestesses, plus their champions, all seriously pissed off to suddenly realize pretty much all their major problems have been his fault.

 

Did he mention that collectively they could obliterate an actual Guardian? Have done so?

 

Yeah. Time to bail on this dumpster fire.

 

“Brother! The Allfather sent me to find you! Where-” Sif began only to be silenced by a gentle finger. He was so engrossed in his own brooding he didn’t notice her approach.

 

“Sister dear, would you like a respite?”

 

“Respite? From what pray tell? The attacks on Midgard can hardly be seen as battles to recover from. Especially since Prince Thor saw most of the combat.” She blinked. “Is something wrong?”

 

“Now? No. Soon? Most definitely.”

 

“Then we must warn the King!” She turned to walk around him and he seized her hand. “Brother! Odin must know of this! You do your duty a disservice.”

 

“Sister, if Odin is unaware of this coming threat, then on his own head be it. I grow weary of this. Weary of serving a man who is incapable of owning up to his own faults and shortcomings. Who ignores my warnings. Who relishes holding those he deems lesser under his thumb while flaunting a power he did not earn and has not the decency to admit it. It is Odin who does all the realms a disservice.”

 

“Blasphemy...have you gone mad?” She shook her head, preparing to draw her blade with her free hand. Loyal to the end, prepared to subdue her traitorous brother in the name of her fair and just king. A fine graduate of the Odin Institute of Bullshit and Misdirection. Poor thing.

 

With a roll of his eyes, the darker skinned god cuffed the back of her head and caught her as body lost all rigidity, sword clattering to the ground. A cheap shot he would admit but his sister was too young to know the depths of the danger their leader had put them all in. He had to protect her no matter what.

 

Sif was going to be angrier than a dragon robbed of it’s eggs  when she came to but once he could properly explain, she’d see reason. Devoted as she was, when faced with something that did not sit right, she was very good at putting the pieces together. Besides they weren’t leaving forever, Yggdrasil would wither if they did; all he wanted was to not be here when company arrived. He’d even figured out the perfect place for them to spend sometime until this blew over. A place full of excitement and action, where a nice young man whom she could grow to love resided (seeing as Thor was a lost cause).

 

You know, provided neither she nor the interesting times in which he lived killed a certain wild horse first.

 

*HO*

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *According to Norse Mythology, Jotun are the source of the poetic arts...which Odin stole then spat all over Midgard for whatever reason. Their race is also pretty easy going. When people weren’t fucking with them.
> 
>  
> 
> **Muspelheim is the Land of Fires in Norse Mythology, where the sun and stars originate. It’s counterpart is Niflheimr (literally Land of Mists) the Land of Ice where the river separating the living from the dead begins. The first beings arose from where these fire and ice world met.
> 
>  
> 
> And there you have it: a partial explanation the my Avengers-verse, the reason Heimdall was even mentioned in the interlude and your answer to “Hey, guess what character I don’t like very much!”. I’m not sure if Marvel has ever address this (comic or movie wise) but Sif and Heimdall ARE siblings. It’s possible they have. Considering they may have mentioned a few of the um...more interesting aspects of Loki’s lore and spent the last 40 or so odd year completely denying it. I have no proof yet but I do know both DC and Marvel are famous for some seriously WTF moments in history that make them rue the fact that the internet exists.
> 
>  And in terms of my Chaos Mage universe things are like this:
> 
> Guardians rule over everything in their reality  
> Mages are their children  
> 2nd tier mages or priests/priestess serve under Mages  
> Champions are mortals (anyone NOT one of the above) who get involved in matters generally reserved for Guardians and Mages
> 
> But of course there are exceptions to the rules...
> 
> Cookies to whoever figures out just who Big H has in mind for his lil sis to spend her time in witness protection getting to know.
> 
>  
> 
> Love it? Hate it? No strong feelings either way? Reviews are like hugs! Siresoundwave out!


	5. Karma's a Bitch and So Am I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup! Here’s another interlude chronicling Sylphine’s trek across the multiverse in search of her baby boy. It’s taken so long because I had to decide what fandom would suffer her wrath next. Then it hit me: Fullmetal Alchemist.
> 
>  
> 
> To be fair, these interludes serve to knit my Reality of Chaos side stories together as well as show how these principles could be applied to almost any work of fiction. In fact so far I have over 10 that could tie into this directly or tanentally. The resulting swirl of entropic madness may or may not yield some of, all of, or more than the following 'eagerly' inquiring JUST WHAT THE FUCKING DEAL IS:
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> The Marvel Universe: Hands Off
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> The DC Universe: Parallels
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> Every fairytale being Disney either got totally wrong or lied out their ass about: Once Upon a Time in Everlie
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> An entire realm of ghosts: The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
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> A group of retro Scottish natives and the people assisting them adjust to temporal shift induced culture shock: Facade
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> A wholly different take on the afterlife complete with transforming swords: Megalomaniac
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> A group of mostly deluded but still powerful wizards and witches: Idiotproof is Highly Suspect Terminology
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> A gaggle of pretty soldiers in sailor suits with varying celestial abilities, lead by a crybaby who will jack you up if shit gets real. And the guy with access to kickass armour, a sword he knows how to use and psychic powers but chooses to fight evil in a flimsy tux and magic roses: n/a so far
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> A bevy of brawlers spanning multiple races and origins; several of which are prone to spontaneously rockin blue eyes and long blond hair if pissed: n/a so far
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> A young wild horse and the interesting times in which he lives: n/a so far but referenced in Hands Off
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> A pirate in yellow submarine and his bombastic (insane) group of frenemies: n/a so far
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> Two brothers and their angel buddy who seriously just want to know WTF...so they can gank it: n/a but referenced in several stories
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> A quirky info broker with a creepy fascination with humans and a debt collector with rage issues who really just can't even right now: n/a
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> Two genius brothers who just wanted to fix a mistake...that never would have happened if an anthropomorphic white blob hadn’t been a lazy asshole: n/a but totally the point of this interlude.
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> Curiosity peeked? Onward!

 

 

*I2*

 

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

 

After it’s world came into being, the entity known as Truth looked around at it’s brethren across the multiverse...And said nope.

 

Spending eternity as a glorified babysitter to the insects he created that at any moment could destroy their own reality if he didn’t pay close enough attention sounded as amusing as a hole in the head. So, Truth set forth to make it’s own rules within the rules. Remove the need to have chaos mages by making the chance of such screw ups virtually impossible. Give them all equal access to the cosmic energy and make the taboo price so steep few would dare break it and even fewer would survive the cost. Make himself known to those dumb enough to try. And equivalent exchange would do the rest.

 

Things rolled on pretty smoothly. Until...

 

Van Hohenheim and Dante came in like a wrecking ball hellbent on changing the natural order Truth so carefully set in motion. These two dunderheads wanted to live forever when they had no right to, deciding mass genocide and swapping bodies like underwear was the way to do it. Even after the whole unpleasant side effect of their shiny new meat suits beginning to rot away from the inside out. The change happening faster with each body they stole. The pair having no understanding that the human body was not meant to handle the power of the Philosopher's stone- thus why homunculi could never be human in the first place. That the creatures' sanity deteriorated the longer they existed; if you could call the torture of memories and longings belonging to the dead person you were meant to be but never would sanity in the first place. That that damn stone was never meant to exist but thanks to that pair it did.

 

Then along came Edward Elric and by association his brother Alphonse. Unlike every other before them that tried human transmutation and failed, they not only set about fixing their mistake and doing some good along the way, the pair was willing to give up their chance once they learned the true cost of the stone they sought for 3 years. It wasn’t worth the cost.  And they actively tried to destroy it. The elder willing to sacrifice the thing that made him unique for to restore the younger to normal. Two children had a better grasp of the workings of the universe than a man and woman centuries old. There was just something about the two, their compulsion to set things right no matter what amused and confused Truth. He knew Ed would offer his Gate for his brother’s body So, he was going to cut them a break or sorts; throw in his arm and leg for free..

 

Then this shit happened.

 

“Great. Back here again.” Edward sighed. To be fair the Gate of Truth is where he wanted to be for this to work but still, he hated that featureless jackass as much as the bovine mammary secretions it reminded him of.

 

“GET YOUR LILY WHITE ASS BACK HERE!”

 

That...wasn’t Truth. It was fair too feminine, too high pitched and too cheesed off.

 

“GAH! I told you I can’t do it!”

 

That was it. Though a lot less haughty and put together than usual. Ed looked around until he saw the familiar deity booking it across the white abyss like it’s metaphysical ass was on fire. Hot on it’s heels a small (shorter than him!) girl, dressed like a Xingese warrior and armed with folding fans? That’s not important. What was important were the bolts of lightning she was shooting off with them.

 

“Be reasonable child! Even if I wanted to help you, my world works differently than yours! I cannot  open the gate without being paid a toll!”  
  


“If you wanted to?!” she girl roared. “IF YOU WANTED TO?! I never asked to be here you freak, someone threw me here! How’s about you open that gate and I don’t make you shoot electricity out of your ass!? How’s THAT for payment?!”

 

“What is going on? Al!” Ed’s scan had completely missed the emaciated body propped up against the stone gate, being too distracted by whatever was happening off in the distance. It was only his soulless shell but still, he was right there! This had to work. Seeing him again was too painful for it not to.

 

The sound of a body hitting the ground then being stomped on like no tomorrow once again drew his attention back to the weirdness. Truth was splayed out  face(?) down with the strange girl bouncing on it’s back like a trampoline. Though Ed was fairly certain it didn’t enjoy it at all as the girl seemed intent on breaking it’s back The deity wailing pitifully all the way. This girl...how could she possible force something like Truth to beg for mercy?

 

“I give!!!!” Truth hollered. “I give!”

 

“Then send me on my way!” The girl allowed the deity to stand. Her arms crossed over her chest expectantly.

 

“I CAN”T. Not without being paid a toll. Equivalent Exchange prevents me from just conjuring things without something in recompense.” Seeing her left eye began to twitch, the Keeper held up it’s arms in defense before hastily continuing. “You’re not mortal! Your energy could do it though you might be weaker for some time once you pass. Or you could use him.” The being thumbed back at Ed.

 

For a moment, she didn’t seem to have heard the response. Standing completely still and just blinking at the blonde. Then her gaze drifted to Alphonse's body  What was she thinking? Holy shit! Was she considering using them to pay her toll? She continued to just stare at the brothers, making all present uneasy. Especially when Ed noticed a growing spark of abject horror alight in her eyes. Her blank expression gave way to one of disgust and anger.

 

Truth tried to back up.

 

CRUNCH!

 

“You dipshit.” came the cold reply. Truth now stood clutching it’s face(?), blood trickling between its fingers. Ed couldn’t help but have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand she’d refused an offer to use them as cannon fodder, drawn her arm back and struck like a piston to make the prickliest thorn in his side bleed like a waterfall. On the other hand she had made Truth bleed- what was she to do that to a god like entity? Have it so terrified and be able to injure it at all?

 

"Will you stop that?!"

 

"You monster. You're no better than Vishnu; thinking it's perfectly acceptable to break the rules to suit your fucked up whims." Her voice remained level, only her glowing golden eyes betraying her fury. "You don't even FEEL it do you?”

 

“...”

 

Again with the staring, this time at Truth itself. Who despite having no face, managed to look ashamed with the girl’s gaze boring into it like a laser. Until she sighed and buried her face in her small hands.

 

“You don’t nor have no idea what to do about it. Outstanding.” she groaned. “Why am I always cleaning up the messes caused by my aunts and uncles? I really thought you all were supposed to be sage and crap. Aside from Mama, Uncle Ebedi and Auntie Aurii, you all seem to be morons. There’s a difference between bad luck a bass ackward logic you know that right?”

 

“Get off your high horse girl. You’ve no idea what you’re talking about, you’re just a mage-”

 

“Who, at present, could whoop your ass. By myself. Doesn’t that seem a bit unbalanced to you?” Her stare was flat. “You’ve screwed with the way things are supposed to be so much, Affinity balanced things out the best way it could to keep this reality from cracking like a china plate. At least that shows you’re slightly smarter than Vishnu. You traded your real power for whatever half baked version of order this is. Equivalent exchange is just another term for it. So, how’s that workin for ya?”

 

“If you’re so much smarter and more powerful than me, why don’t you figure out how to leave?” Truth’s tone was bitter with a sharp sting.

 

“I already have. And as a bonus, I’m gonna help you out of this mess.”

 

“Or, you need to fix what’s wrong so you can be on your way.”

 

“To-may-to, to-mah-to. Don’t be more of a dick.”

 

By this time, Ed was certain he’d either had a stroke, was hallucinating, dead or something of the like. Words had officially lost any meaning. What the hell was going on?! The fact that both were now looking at him made him realize he’d shouted that last bit. Now  (more) uncomfortable, he shifted around on his feet nervously.  
  


“It’s your lucky day Mr. Al-che-mist. My...guest may just be able to get you out of this with no toll.” There was the smarmy condescending bastard Major Elric hated so much. It might have looked more imposing if not for the river of red running down its front.

 

“Stop trying to save face. You’ve lost all credibility, shut up.” The girl shook her head, then flashed an angelic smile at the braided blonde. “What Truth meant to say was all the shit I’m sure you two’ve been through has given you so much karma credit it’s ridiculous. And because he fucked up, the cosmic balance has put you on a pretty rough path to being where you truly belong. I’m Sylphine. Though the circumstances could be better, it’s nice ta meetcha cuz!”

 

WHAT?!

 

*I2*

 

Far away, in the last reality the Goddess of the Storm had visited, sat a frazzled blonde desperately trying to appear as if everything was alright to those around him as he sipped tea poured for him by a small pigtailed girl. Sitting across from him, his younger brother not buying it for a second.

 

“You are aware that once our sweet little cousin realizes you derailed her to a reality that poses issues for those wishing to exit when her goal is simply to find her stolen child, she will at some point return here to violently castrate you and hand you your testicles in a jar yes, Onikunishi?” the brunette drawled.

 

The only response he received was the thump of a head making contact with wood and a loud groan from his elder brother.

 

“Please go away, Enma.”

 

“Oh no. I intend to stay nearby to have a front row seat for that.”

 

 

 

*I2*

  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Truth is the guardian of the Fullmetal Alchemist world. Meaning Ed and Al were supposed to be it’s mages. Even though Truth tried to avoid creating them, the Affinity decided their existence was inevitable. One way or the other. Hence Truth not really recognizing them for what they were and perfectly okay with throwing the brothers under the bus..
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> Despite it all, Sylphine is still the same super sweet person from “The Road To Hell is Paved with Good Intentions”; willing to give her all to help even though she could avoid all the hassle it puts her through. It just so happens this time it’s mutually beneficial and not just out of the kindness of her heart. And considering the situation with her missing son, it’s a given her patience has become a rare comodity :P
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> Almost makes you pity Truth and Onikunishi. Almost.
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> Shameless Self Promotion:  
> This chapter has spawned another RoC fic "Equivalence is Relative" set in the FMA reality. Like the anime (2003 version is what I know besr) there'll be humor but I intend it as a more serious look at elements of how that world works.
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> Love it? Hate it? Complete indifference? Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!


	6. Well, This is Interesting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey-o!
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> 
> Okay, this chapter gets more into exactly why Heimdall bailed; or rather how the Marvel reality actually came to be/functions. So, the Avengers get the crash course in the history of the nine realms they've been dying for. Unfortunately it offers up some harsh truths about Earth's place in it, explains shit that's stumped the scientific community for some time and explains that the clusterfuck known as Battle of New York had been in the works for a long time...
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> FYI, I didn’t forget about Akik. Part of what took so long is the fact that explaining her departure will make more sense if I show what happens after first. Because this was originally a oneshot that slowly got incorporated into the plot of Idiotproof, I need to establish the way this world works sooner rather than later for the next chapters of Idiotproof, Facade and the seemingly random ass cameos so far to make any sense. Also, bear in mind time works in wonky ways from realm to realm and reality to reality. Bakaret, Akik, Manestien and Xaphia only look like children because in terms of their race, they are. Remember, Sagitarius had to convert Akik’s age for the team when she showed up.
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> Also, the Marvel explanation for the 9 realms is bullshit and I hate it. Partially because there are more than 9 and I am not fond of the idea of them being just planets in the same universe because it is beyond bonkers to think in all of space only 9 run everything. And one of them has no fricking clue the other 8 exist so why do they even count?! Marvel is full of established inhabited extraterrestrial worlds/empires. And some of them are just as badass as Asgard (Majesdan, Skrullos, Hala, The Shi’ar Imperium...) so this has always bothered me about the MCU. Granted a HUGE problem Marvel/Disney had to sail around is some of the more worth mentioning places only show up in relation to properties owned by Sony or Fox, so yeah there’s that,. Also norse cosmology doesn’t recognize planets/stars in the night sky as the homes of their gods but as things associated with them, the same way the greco roman cultures did. For the sake of continuity, I am only addressing the 9 realms the marvel cinematic universe seems to give a crap about so far.
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> Just putting it out there.
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> Oh, and here Sagittarius shines as a snarky bastard n_n

 

*HO*

 

Was it too much to ask for one normal day? Just one? When Stark isn't causing a PR nightmare. Or Thor isn't loudly threatening some ordinary piece of 'midgardian sorcery ' that happened to startle him. Or Rogers' eyes don't glaze over when talking about anything that happened while he was on ice. Or some new recruit wetting themselves because Barton dropped out of the ducts  or Romanoff just appeared behind them. Ironically Banner happened to be the only Avenger that didn’t cause headaches. Or at least not many.

 

Still he needs to buy stock in an aspirin manufacturer and get some of his money back. Because the last 30 minutes were just as headache inducing as the invasion had been.

  
  


It began when Fury stormed into Avengers tower after the incident near the Brooklyn Bridge (including the mighty Thor getting his ass handed to him by a child...) and stopped in his tracks.

 

Sprawled haphazardly on the sofa, face down, the aforementioned god of thunder. His cape swiss cheesed and what appeared to be big ass feathers sticking out of the back of his armor like darts on a bullseye. Mjolnir nowhere in sight. An angry Loki sitting beside him... in the lap of a redhead wearing a black cloak who seemed like he was probably the only thing keeping the god of mischief from going off. And looked similar to the mystery man from the Chitauri attack. Loki screaming at the top of his lungs about disemboweling someone while Mr Mystery tried to calm him.

 

Worst of all, the Avengers were just standing there, not doing a god damned thing but watching with weapons drawn, or in attack positions.

 

"Where the hell have you all been? How did those two get in here and why didn't you notify SHIELD?! Just what the the fuck is going on here?!"

 

"In order. Brooklyn, watching the weirdest smackdown including Point Break getting manhandled by a 10 year old who went poof after stomping him into the ground barefoot. Reindeer Games and Crimson Cupid were here before that and the alert to the brouhaha went off. Beyond that, just like you, we really haven't a fucking clue." Stark said all in one breath.

 

"My child is missing you tin can and you're making jokes?!" Loki raged. "My little boy has been thrown to the same backwater stick waving peons that ended his mortal life!"

 

"Um, what?" Clint blinked, nocked arrow unwavering.

 

"Babe, Manestien is basically a miniature you with a hint of my disposition. Helpless he is not."

 

"He's a child! They all are!"

 

"Yeah, well at least Akik got The God of Blunder to reverse his stupid decree before she got warped away." 'Crimson Cupid' snorted. About then Fury noticed Thor wasn’t moving even at being called a snide nickname. "So what do we do? We can't create a nexus to even get to our son and have no idea why, there's a good chance six other mages are just as confused and pissed as us. Our only solace is the kids are pretty skilled. If Akik tap dancing all over Thor's ass is any indication."

 

"That's only if this unknown benefactor hasn't incapacitated them in some way. What of Heimdall? His gaze reaches beyond realities." Loki tried to stay hopeful, having seemed to calm down a bit.

 

"Thought of that. The life sized Oscar statue isn't at his post. Scrying for him turns up nothing as well. I think he knows something and doesn't want to get involved." 'Cupid' huffed. The raven haired man wilted at that. "

 

"He would never abandon his duties without good reason. Something even he could not combat forced him to." Loki sighed, desperate to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling.

 

"We can't be sure of ANYTHING right now babe." 'Cupid’ tucked the trickster's head under his chin and stroked his arm lovingly as he cried silently into his chest; creating a tender picture. If you had no idea what this man had done. Then it was surreal and disturbing. Still confused, and just a bit miffed at being ignored, Nick had had enough.

 

"Will somebody explain?! There's a dangerous unknown and one known villain present and Earth's Mightiest Heroes are just loitering about.”

 

"The tin can just explained all you need to know mortal." 'Cupid' snarked.

 

“Oi!” Tony balked.

 

"Um, sir? We would be doing something if we weren't  fixed in these positions...or the Other Guy wasn’t asleep." Bruce coughed a little. He attempted to raise his hand but only sort of wiggled his whole body a little.

 

"...what can put the Hulk to sleep?!"

 

"Myself of course. A bit difficult to have a civil conversation with constant threats of violence in the way. Especially such big green ones." Loki drew himself up, but didn’t quite pull off the haughty regal look with puffy red eyes and tear tracts. “Were I in my right mind during that god awful business with the Chitauri I would have had done it then too. Though if I had been in my right mind it wouldn’t have happened to begin with.” The last bit of that was muttered.

 

“What was that?” Hawkeye being closest actually heard it. “Admitting you’re a fruitcake?”

 

"No. Since you all seems so curious, I was about do something to fix what Thanos forced me to destroy. Though it would be best if I started at the beginning -" Loki sighed.

 

"Nope. Stop right there babe. These are Thunderbutt's 'sheildbrothers and sister' it was his job to clue them in on the basics." Sagittarius paused his lover.

 

"But why didn’t Thor tell us anything? I get there was the whole heat of battle thing but it's been what almost 5 months. What he couldn't be bothered?" Tony snorted.

 

"Upon further reflection, he isn't all to blame. I'll take The Mighty Allfather is a dumbass for the win. Still it'll be much more amusing to me if Blondie has to listen to the truth for once in his miserable life." With that the redhead stalked over to Thor's prone form. Planting a red boot in the demigod's back, he grabbed a seemingly random one of the foot long feathers and yanked. The effect was instant. Thor sprung to his feet battle ready, grasping at his side. Realizing what was missing he gasped.

 

"Mjolnir!"

 

"Is still on the riverbank. Once you went down, nobody could lift it so we left it there." Clint shrugged or tried to. "You seem capable of summoning it whenever so, yeah."

 

"Tis true Hawkeye. Mjolnir!-" Thor boomed.

 

"Wait a god damned minute!" Stark shouted, sensing the impending disaster.

 

"-To me!"

 

At first, nothing happened. The god of thunder looked kinda stupid in his overly dynamic pose, with one arm raised the other drawn back in a fist. About a minute ticked by-

 

CRASH!

 

"SON OF A BITCH!"

 

The only mortal able to move dove for cover at the sound of shattering glass. Lightening flashed and thunder clapped as the hammer took her place in her wielder's hand. Who then looked around at the shower of glass, Fury peering over part of the sectional with a scowl and the barrier Loki had erected (much to the relief of the frozen Avengers) sheepishly.

 

"Mayhaps I was a tad hasty in this regard..."

 

"Poor Thor. He means well. Sadly he is just so cumbersome and dimwitted he leaves naught but destruction in his wake at every turn." Loki snarked. "As I'm  sure Ironman has noticed, you destroyed the same window I tossed him out of in my madness."

 

"Everyone but him noticed that." ‘Cupid’ added

 

"Why must you two constantly belittle me, Sagittarius?" He squared his shoulders and glared at the couple. “I misjudged and have owned up to my folly.”

 

"Want a list? Fine. You don't understand the words strategy, tact or common sense. You blindly leap into the fray without any understanding of what the hell is going on around you. Oh yeah, you were among those all too eager to toss me and Manestien out of Asgard on Odin's word alone.”

 

"Those were father's decrees for the good of the realms!" Thor balked. "The prophecy regard Loki and any child he might sire could not be ignored."

 

"One prophecies are shit and you know it. Two, neither Loki nor I sired Mane. Three, you know not every word that drips out of that goat's maw is factual yet you choose to follow them as if they are!" The now identified Sagittarius screamed. “You helped deny my son his other parent because you believed in a fairytale about the brother you claimed to love suddenly deciding to breed the apokalypse you fucktard! Dear affinity Thor do you even understand that Asgard isn’t the shining beacon of light it plays up to be?”

 

That caused Thor pause, stunned. Quickly astonishment gave way to anger.

 

“I’m sensing some serious family drama.”

 

“Do you ever shut up Stark?” Natasha hissed.

 

“Not really, no. I’d also not like to be stuck in place when Point Break starts swinging his hammer at Cupid over there.”

 

“Don’t worry Mr. Stark. Thor maybe dim but he isn’t completely brain dead. If I can KO the Hulk with one hit, I can stomp a mud hole in his ass even without my bow, can’t I Thunderbutt?” The redhead drew his lips back in a cocky sneer. “However unlike him, I understand that violence might make me feel better but it doesn’t solve all my problems. If it  did, I’d gladly kick Odin as long as it takes to dislodge his head from his keister.”

 

“How dare you! You trespass upon this reality and act as if it were your own. Loki I do love but he is a danger to us all without proper guidance.”

 

“Totally agree!”

 

“For fucks sake Stark SHUT UP!” Fury yelled.

 

“Haven’t you ever wondered why that is ‘dear brother’?” Loki spoke quietly. “Why my magic is so much greater that even the Allfather can’t control it?”

 

“You’re naturally gifted.”

 

“Flattering. But no, explanations really can wait though.”

 

Standing and stepping towards where Mjolnir made her entrance Loki then held his hands out in front of him. A familiar gold rod appeared between his outstretched arms. But something was...different about the weapon. Everyone notice but couldn’t quite place what it was. After all that had been a couple months ago...

 

“What the- I thought that got destroyed!” Hawkeye yelled.

 

“You thought wrong.” Loki pressed his lips in a faint, sad smile. “For what it’s worth, I understand exactly how much this will hurt Clint Barton. And...I’m sorry.”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up, what the hell does THAT mean?!” By this point Clint and everyone else was growing very worried. Sagittarius walked up behind the trickster, a concerned look replacing his usually apathetic one .

 

“You really feel up to this right now Babe?”

 

“It can’t be helped if I am or not. There won’t be much of a point to anything else if I don’t; nothing to bring our little boy back to.” His sad smile warmed a great deal looking at the other man. “Besides, I know you’re here to catch me.”

 

“This is both nauseatingly sweet and real fucking disconcerting guys!” Tony panicked. For once , everyone agreed.

 

“Whatever you two are up to I-” Thor began.

 

“-will not take another step ‘dear brother’. The Allfather has allowed this reality to bends so out of sorts not even he can sense it's starting to unravel.” Loki snapped. This didn't do anything but anger Thor more. Believing his brother to be up to something sinister, he charged forward anyhow. In a flash, The red head at Loki’s side drew a solid gold bow and fired. “GUH!”

 

“Honestly.” Sagittarius tsked, the blank mask returning. Thor now stood statuesque like the others. Only with the bonus of an arrow made of golden light lodged in his chest. “You need to see this, I didn’t wake you up just to get in the way. Care to attempt a hat trick as well, Director?”

 

Fury had drawn his side arm when Thor made his run at the pair but no longer had any confidence in firing it being of any benefit. By now, it was quite clear the pair had the upper hand. If this indeed was the one to whisk Loki away after the Hulk had beat him senseless  (after then taking big green out himself) then a few bullets were likely to just get them all killed. Gritting his teeth, Nick holstered the weapon.

 

"Good boy. Go for it Babe."

 

The jewel centered behind the staff's blade flared brilliantly, bathing the room in an emerald light. An ominous rumbling shook the tower and Fury would bet his ass people on the street were freaking the fuck out. His phone started going off at the same time.

 

"Sir! There’s some sort of spatial distortion occurring at Avenger Tower! We can't even identify the energy involved!" Hill yelled, not even waiting to be acknowledged.

 

"I'm right in the thick of it Hill. Loki and some new clown calling himself Sagittarius have us hostage up here." He growled back. "Alert the-"

 

Whatever order he would have given was drowned out by an agonized scream from Hawkeye whose eyes flared bright green. A second later, a concussive blast threw nearly everyone into a far wall and shattered the remaining windows as well as the counter, shelves and every container of booze at Tony's bar.

 

"Clint!" Natasha scrambled to the downed archer the instant she could move. The sight Fury looked upon was horrifying as the others tried to orient themselves.

 

Barton was arching off the floor and convulsing rather violently, like the world's worst epileptic seizure. Add to that the foam bubbling up out of his throat, blood from his nose and his eyes rolled completely back in his head and the man looked to be dying. The freaky blue goop leaking out his ears did not help ease that fear.

 

Nick tried to order medical up to the floor yesterday but his phone shared the same fate as every other breakable thing in the room. Settling for helping Romanoff  hold him down. no matter the superhuman strength of the pair, his bucking wouldn’t keep his back to the floor. Just as suddenly, he went limp, no longer gasping.

 

“Clint! Don’t you dare die on me!” Black widow tried shaking him. “What did you do to him this time you monster?!”

 

The cause of the incident lay in Sagittarius’ arms as both sat on the floor. The god of mischief didn’t look like he was in any better shape. His eyes fluttering, chest heaving. The staff, which had been free floating, clattered to the tiled floor as his pale skin took on a bluish hue, strange markings playing across the surface. Once all of him had changed, he passed out cold.

 

“Chill Widow, your man candy’s still alive,he just needs to rest like hundreds of other poor saps worldwide. In the mean time, let’s all talk like adults without having to paralyze each other. m’kay?” The other archer sighed. “Take a good look Thunderbutt. What Loki did when Odin picked him up as a baby was an accident. It was your father’ choice to trap him in a form that was not his natural one for star cycles. All this time his body has been trying to break that spell, amassing more and more power to do so. Since he had no idea what he was doing thus no way to properly regulate it, all that energy just built up in Loki very literally driving him crazy. And Thanos took advantage of that shit, messing with his mind until my poor match was nothing but a puppet.”

 

“No...father would not do such a thing...”

 

“But he did. Loki is not an Aesir, never has been you derp. Thanos has always wanted this reality to add to his collection, believing my match to be perfect as his consort and took advantage of Odin’s mistake. Warping how he thinks to twist his ambition to see Asgard continue to flourish into the desire to rule it. Learning of your old man’s adventure in baby snatching was just the push needed to fully break his psyche. When that didn’t work out, Thanos decided to ‘gift’ him with good ole kingless Midgard. After all, Loki always pitied this place and no one in the other realms gives a shit about it so maybe ‘helping’ him conquer it would be enough to convince him to be his Queen. Never mind all the shady ass mind rape and gradual destruction of this reality involved.”

 

The black clad archer stood with the unconscious god and carried him bridal style to the sofa. Laying him to rest there, he snapped his fingers and the mess vanished. Everything instantly good as new.

 

“Even without that shovel faced dipshit making things worse, Odin knew this reality was in danger  because of what he did himself. Fun fact boys and girls. the reality you live in is merely one of an infinite multitude. To each reality is tethered a multitude of shadow realities which are merely echoes of what ifs. What if the Nazi’s won? What The Americas emerged as the ones to set sail to conquer the Old World?Each reality his headed by a Guardian who is it’s life source. More often than not a Guardian has children, we Chaos Mages.” The Redhead motioned to himself with flourish. “Now the general magic number is 2, one to represent light, the other dark. And before your brains segue into the whole good versus evil track, all they’re just opposing forces with no moral orientation. Now that model is not a one size fits all deal. My reality for instance has 3- my orientation is neutral if any of you care. As for the nine realms, they were originally 9 separate realities that somehow merged. Kinda sketchy on the dets as to what all happened there (and honestly don’t care) but bottom line is they were dying and solved their problem by 8 of them converging into offshoots of the ninth.”

 

“I thought our world was one of the nine realms. I mean that’s what’s in Norse mythology right?” Bruce spoke up for only the second time. Still super nervous but curious all the same.

 

“And that’s where it get dicey. The ninth is actually the tree itself-- Yggdrasil’s guardian never actually did anything with his reality making it the perfect focal point. Midgard, where we are right now, is nothing but the result of those shattered realities merging. No one’s concerned about what happens here because as a realm with no Guardian, it makes no difference to the stability of the world tree if it were destroyed. The other realms have been dicking with you all since you discovered fire for the hell of it. But if say [Svartalfheim](http://marvelcinematicuniverse.wikia.com/wiki/Svartalfheim) were to wink out of existence, the shift would obliterate everything. Which is why when the Dark elves basically demanded Odin recognize all realms equally, he told them to shove it, sealed off their access to the other realms and told everyone they were evil fuckers who wanted to destroy the patchwork they worked so hard to create.” Moving a lock of hair from Loki’s sleeping face, he gazed at his lover fondly. “Among your old man’s other stellar ideas? Knowing the Casket of Winters was what held Jotunheim together and thus could not stay in the armory as a trophy forever, his original plan was to raise him loyal to the Asgardian crown and get you two closer than brothers Thor. That way when it was revealed that abandoned baby he heroically saved and nurtured as his own was really the lost Jotun prince, the two realms could be joined in permanent political peace with psuedo-incesty lemon twist and the Casket returned as a show of good faith.”

 

“Even more nauseated now...” Iron Man muttered.

 

“This is not something they are meant to know cousin!”

 

“Oh that’s where you’re wrong Thunderbutt. See, the instant Thanos got himself involved in this reality, he freed Loki up to create champions to defend it and that’s what he did. With his last bit of sanity, he set in motion the events that would lead to our present company. Among others.” Blue eyes narrowed at the blonde. ”Midgard was well on it’s way to meeting the level of the other realms. All Loki did was give it a nudge forward. Tell me, has anyone noticed that the emergence of so call homo superior appears to coincide with the last World War?”

 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Nick had a feeling, he just hoped it was wrong...Really, really wrong.

 

"Everything Nicky boy. Midgard has had it’s share of magic, science, and the like for eons just as any other realm yet only recently has it been pushed into the spotlight. I mean it make loads of sense that you survived buried in the ice unscathed Rogers." Sagittarius shrugged. "After all, the key ingredient to the serum that made you what you are is my babe’s blood. There are others using other versions but you were the only one SHIELD’s predecessor considered ‘successful’."

 

Crickets, slow blinks...

 

“WHAT?!”

 

*HO*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest single chapter I’ve ever done. Yay! Worth the wait? Anybody else notice the change to the staff?
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> So, now I’ve explained how the Avengers reality is really set up beyond Heimdall's angry ranting to himself. As well as further established my dislike of Odin and shown the reason for Loki going crazy.
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> 
> This chapter mentions something odd about Nick Fury and Black Widow too. Which the MCU has to address at some point in some capacity. They sorta have, being they pushed up Nick’s service record to have him most notably active during the Cold not Second World War. Technically speaking, Fury fought ALONGSIDE Steve and Bucky against the Nazis and should be pushing a hundred. Some versions of the comics gave a BS explanation for his continued youth (a different type of serum than the one used to make Cap), and in some it’s just never mentioned. And Natasha’s too young period, the MCU wiki has her DOB in 1984. I have numerous grievances with this as well but I also understand the core issue being so much of these comics’ storylines revolve around fixed eras in history. It just makes more sense to me that both were altered in some way. And since we're blowing cannon to hell, why not have it include superhuman abilities?
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> The scene with Loki summoning his staff also gave me an idea for an omake (non-sequitur bonus) I couldn’t stop myself from writing. It’ll be in the main Avengers section once I finish as it’s not a crossover. The idea is simple: New York is under attack! The Avengers must assemble! But, most of them won’t come out of their rooms thanks to Loki getting bored and warping reality for the hell of it. One doesn’t see the problem though. Aaannnddd there’s also a room full of SHIELD agents wondering where the cat with the eye patch came from and why it looks so pissed off. Isn’t Rule 63 great ? n_n
> 
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> Love it? Hate it? No strong feelings either way? Reviews are like hugs! Siresoundwave out!


	7. Days of Our Lives: Marvel Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Yeah. Onwards!

 

*HO* 

 

In a secret bunker, let's just say somewhere in rural USA, a certain man found himself scrambling to figure out why so many of his underlings...er...agents had gone silent.

 

Three days ago, Baron von Strucker had everything in order. The attack in New York provided the perfect opportunity to move ahead with SHIELD's downfall and HYDRA's rise. The tesseract might well and truly be lost to them now but the so called Avengers were no real threat to their plans. Nearly 80 years of infiltration had yielded an organization where only 3 out of every 5 members were even loyal to it. That said HYDRA knew the strengths and weaknesses of each one more intimately than they themselves.

 

Then he received report of a stranger energy reading than the cube ever produced. About then, the bases around America began to go dark. Somehow. Including the one prepping the Asset for action. In fact it went off the grid first. After failing to gather any useful information, he took the hands on approach.

 

So here he was, standing in the middle of what amounted to a decrepit underground ghost town outside Bumfuck, USA which should be bustling with researchers and foot soldiers. Instead the base was falling apart; rust covered the wall seams, whole areas seemed to have worn away or crumbled to nothing. A thick layer of dust covered the debris as well. Back up generators all but exhausted allowing only uselessly dim light to show. Von Strucker had been here not even 4 months prior to begin operations. The place looked to have been abandoned decades ago!

 

Though abandoned would mean all personnel had left. The unbearable stench wafting through the air disputed that. As did the floor littered with corpses in various stages of decomposition bearing HYDRA insignia. 

 

There was a noise and one his guards turned to aim at something in the dark. Not half a second later the man was drug screaming in fear by the leg into the shadows. A sickening crunch preceded an abrupt end to the shouts...and an ungodly amount of blood splattering all over the wall and the remaining 4 people in the hallway. So they all opened fire. 

 

To heighten the atmosphere, the their flashlights and struggling lights above chose that exact moment to flicker wildly before going out yet the corridor wasn’t completely dark. Two eerie points of bright blue light hovered in the distance before blurring. Surging forth as something cold, unforgiving and strangely hand shaped closed around Von Strucker’s throat. With just enough force to be excruciating, preventing the baron from crying out. But not quite enough to stop all air flow. Unfortunately for the HYDRA leader, before he could really contemplate any of what was occurring, a raspy voice hissed a single word into his ear.

 

“ ...decay...”

 

The last conscious sensations of the terrified man who would revolutionize the world? That of his very flesh melting off his bones.

 

*HO*

 

It took almost 3 days for Loki to wake up. In that time Thor had left to ‘do his duty’ but promised to return as soon as his brother awoke. This occurred after he and the snarky redhead had a rather heated conversation in a language that kinda hurt Bruce's ears. The good doctor made note of this fact. As well as the odd expression Steve and Natasha had during the exchange; it seemed the two were trying to place the sounds as if from a fuzzy memory.

 

Fury had left to deal with damage control. The media reported everything from another attack to secret government experiment gone awry. 

 

Sure enough once Loki woke up, everybody assembled in the Avengers Tower common room. Well one of the common rooms.

 

“You mean to tell me my life was another of your plots?” Steve looked horrified. Loki’s blood was in him?!

 

"It wasn't my intention to play with your lives. You must understand...Thanos has had designs on me as a bride since he first met me as but a child. At first I found it flattering." Loki blushed, looking away. "But as I came to know him and the depths of his mental disturbance, I politely rejected his affections. He...did not take it well. We Chaos Mages are gifted with the Sight, it allows us to see the many possibilities that may come to pass in the future. This is how I knew of events to come.”

 

“But you couldn't see the clusterfuck that was 5 a months ago? Or was that just another Tuesday for you?’ Stark frowned, then narrowed his eyes. “On that subject, why didn’t  _ you  _ give us a heads up Hammertime?”

 

All eyes turned to the blonde god.  

 

And the silence was  _ oppressive.  _

 

“Because the God of Blunder had been thoroughly indoctrinated into the Cult of The All Fucktard.” Sagittarius spoke once it became clear Thor wouldn’t. At the same time, Thor looked like he wanted to bash Cupid’s head in with MewMew for that remark...but didn’t want a repeat of earlier. Instead glaring at the red head, clenching his mighty fists. “It’s not really his fault. From birth Asgardians are heavily discouraged from using any form of magic unless it is there station to do so. They associate it with trickery and dishonor. And being feminine, let’s not forget that.”

 

“So what you popped down here during WW2 for shits and giggles? Give us something to play with and watch the monkeys muck about in the dirt?” Fury growled.

 

“No. That’s not what I wanted. I had seen the threats this world would soon face or rather had some sense of them. The other realms were safe from such forces as they could close off their borders any time, leaving Midgard defenseless. In the eyes of the council, that is what the realm of ‘lesser beings’ is for-- to serve as a buffer.”

  
  


“Whoa! Asgard was just gonna let us burn?!” Tony yelled.

 

“That sounds fair.” Banner mumbled.

 

"You’re missing the point. I do care for this realm, regardless of what you believe-”

 

“So you attempted to take it over.” Natasha raised a brow.

 

“No.” Mortals and their obliviousness! “I felt it unfair that you were all left so defenseless. So, I set in motion a domino effect; by removing the binds that stifled this world’s development, kept you all stupid and unrealized. I know now that they were there because Odin knew in time you would be able to match and surpass Asgard. Does it not strike you as odd that only a century ago, humans still believed the letting of ‘bad blood’ cured all ails? That the idea of actual travel to the stars was beyond ludicrous? Or your life spans, general health, quality of life, etc have increased so rapidly?” Loki sighed. “Unfortunately my efforts were greatly hampered by both Odin and Thanos. And I am not altogether sure it was not a collaborative effort on their part. The whole slowly losing my sanity issue didn't help either. Then when Thanos captured me, well you know. Only now the danger is to all worlds.”

 

Loki explained what caused him to blackout: releasing all the pent up energies Thanos’ influence had caused to build up in him. Their reality no longer subject to imminent collapse, the issues of a ‘mad’ Mad Titan who may be coming to claim his ‘bride’ by force and/or beat the shit out of Odin and Loki’s missing kid could be addressed in all their equally depressing glory. 

 

Yay.

 

“So, let me get this straight; a whole lot of drama llama bullshit we had nothing to do with screwed not only earth but everyone living it up in cloud city because nobody really thought your crazy stalker would do anything too outrageous. This is the same guy who had a history of giving you macabre presents and once declared to quote snuff out all that is light so your darkness could shine for all to behold end quote. That, that's about the long and short of it?” Clint clutched the ice pack to his head. Several days of rest and an hour or so of exposition later he still felt like shit. Hawkeye understood what happened to be necessary. It just sucked ass. Now this bullshit-

 

Everyone began to shiver as the temperature in the room dropped rapidly. Almost everyone. Loki and Sagittarius seemed unaffected. Thor briefly looked constipated before his eyes widened.

 

“Wha-?!” Steve didn’t even get the word all the way out. A black misma erupted around his feet before enveloping him completely. A blurry figure could be sort of seen within the smokescreen behind Captain America. Arms wrapping around the blonde just as the plume dissipated. Leaving nothing behind other than partially corroded floor tiles.

 

“What the fuck was that?!” Fury roared.

 

“Somebody who took his sweet ass time showing up to grab his mancandy. Seriously,dude fully woke up like right after Loki’s light show. Cap’s gonna be fine, no worries.”

 

The answer didn’t come from the sarcastic ginger. Oh no. It came from the busty brunette nobody noticed calmly and delicately munching a chocolate cupcake in a chair near the a window.

 

“Because why the fuck not.” Tony deadpanned.

 

“Oh come on. Depowered or not, you didn't really think a normal taser could drop the god of thunder didja?” Everyone's favorite Poli Sci majoring intern winked at the speechless heroes.

  
  


*HO*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly...Darcy. Yeah, one guess as to who just kidnapped Steve. Siren got a hold of the beginning of this chapter and I didn't stop her. Any guesses as to their powers?
> 
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> 
> And FYI this renders pretty much  anything beyond the beginning of CA:WS moot. In case that wasn't clear.
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> So, love it? Hate it? Let me know! Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!


	8. The Wind Sprite is Useless. Dare You to Say It to Her Face Though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, another interlude.
> 
>  
> 
> This one takes place in the same realm as the fanfiction rabbit hole I fell down after rediscovering a fandom I loved in high school and was somewhat shocked to find out of the anime I have bothered to watch and come to dearly love, this one fits the very best in to my Chaos Mage AUs with the least amount of tweaking to characters necessary. I can't believe didn't notice before. Here be also a great opportunity to explain a bit of the WTF situation with the HP world. Why and how? You'll see soon. If you don't an explanation will be in the end notes.
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> This time a little bit more than Mamazilla charging through and busting up shit happens. Surprising all.
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> Also, fair warningn unless the chapter title gave away the crossover for you, this might not make much sense in term of exactly who all these weirdos really are. That’s actually fine, that info isn't essential to understanding what's going on.
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> 
> But does make it funnier :3

 

 

*I3*

 

Once again, she was trapped somewhere through no fault of her own. Though this time it was more or less just luck of the draw. Luck of the shitty draw.

 

She came here tracing an energy signature belonging to one of the ‘Legion of Dumbasses with a Death Wish’ members. A fitting name given to the ones Oidhche identified as being responsible for her Emerald being shanghaied. And stranding Peter and Felix in his home reality (one not particularly accepting of ‘supernatural creatures’) when they told the idiots to shove it; her equally ticked off brother going to rescue his priests. Or rather rescue Yahweh’s realm from a (likely more so than usual) psychotic Peter Pan and his equally powerful lover with a homicidal split personality. Seriously anything those two met there would be utterly fucked. Angel, demon, hunter, _ whatever _ .

 

Unlike the two of them, Oidhche had the advantage of forethought; dispelling any fluctuations of power, no matter how small, not his own generated around him during the meeting. It also helped that the elder mage wasn’t quite as distracted by wanting to leave.

 

After embarrassing the absolute hell out of Okunishi in front of his playmates, he gave up their identities quick. Admitting he himself bore the misfortune of not being able to leave his own reality in lieu of a small crisis. Translation: he was the only one without the ability to hide from her or any other parent wanting answers/blood. 

 

She originally didn’t care why this one took to hiding out in such a random reality. Only after arriving did she understand. And then care very, very much about more severely maiming her target as well as punching the Guardian of this reality as hard as she could in his face for the hell of it. 

 

His stupid, adorkable face.

 

To be clear, she knew full well said guardian could crush her like a bug if she did but boy was it tempting. After listening in on the grand revelation, she completely understood this reality worked as smoothly as it did only at great cost to it's creator. That as far as she could tell, he sensed a disturbance long ago and instead of resetting his beloved reality before it even got off the ground, he sacrificed his ability to consciously regulate it until he regained his strength after massively reconfiguring how it related to its shadow realities. He had, in a sense, created the reality that halfwit Vishnu dreamed of without any of the megalomania and affinity defying issues that lead to multi armed Guardian destroying his own realm. Seemingly by accident. All to divert a destabilizing event. While that's all well and noble and surprisingly novel (re:the loopiest of loopholes to ever loop de loop), it created a bunch of problems. Some of which no one  seemed keen on admitting.

 

The main one being his daughters had no fucking clue he definitely existed until about 12 hours ago. His last act before hibernating had been to give them life so that someone was actually monitoring their reality. Seeing as they never met daddy, all they knew is a force greater than themselves existed and had created them. It's only logical that they might wanna find him. If for no other reason than to ask “Seriously dude WTF?!” 

 

As a result, what formed was an amorphous layer cake consisting of around 22 dimensions, each of a higher energy state than the last. The cap of which, called the Hyperdimension, serving as the only place the three Goddesses could fully allow themselves to occupy. The debatably unstable bottom being the lowest energy plane upon which the latest kerfuffle took place. Mostly.

 

Acting more or less independently of each other The Chousin set about their grand experiment. Washu (goddess of wisdom, knowledge and basically a neutral mage),would lose herself completely to the lower planes of existence and nearly all of her powers (and ability to protect herself) went out the window. Tsunami (goddess of life, creation and essentially a light mage) would act as a sort of medium with one foot in the lower planes, the other in their higher planes accidentally binding herself partially in a physical form. Tokimi (who ruled death, destruction but above all else was a dark mage) would remain in the realm of higher beings only interacting from afar thus unable to change and grow as her sisters did through experience; eventually becoming quite distant from them and causing contention. See, the word ‘experiment’ sounds a lot more like they actually had a plan than ‘let's fuck with the natural order until something drastic enough to wake the supreme being happens’. 

 

Shadow realities did exist here...to a degree. In another weird twist, they weren't exactly separate. Not like the branches of the many worlds ‘theory’ that made up literally every anchor/shadow reality relationship she has ever encountered. More like wound about the anchor like a screw. The apex of the spire? Tenchi. Seriously, a version of him existed in every last offshoot. Which should not be. At some point, according to probability, there should be at least one scenario where the events necessary for him to exist just don't occur. How could that be?

 

So, even though they found their supreme being, he was sealed within the form of a mortal adolescent boy. A boy whose death will release him fully from his avatar. A fact only learned by accident which, suprise, is a terrible thing to occur before he’s ready to awaken. Was it mentioned the avatar's body is NOT invulnerable and lifespan finite? Yeah, the avatar fucking died twice (even after the three sisters reset time to prevent it). The result? A (debatably) normal boy with god level powers he had near zero conscious control over. So now there happened to be a race against the clock for this deity to mature enough to not full on break his reality when he totally woke up again. Or for his half aware self to not destroy it on accident. At least his heritage gives him possible millennia right?

 

Considering his middle name is trouble magnet? 

 

Good.

 

Luck.

 

With.

 

That.

 

As such she found herself being stared at by the Masaki family and friends as she graciously accepted a mug of tea from the young Princess Sasami.

 

“So yer some kind of goddess from another world, huh?” Ryoko snorted. “So why are you here?”

 

“Among other things, him.” she pointed to a confused looking Tenchi. “Though I doubt he could be of much help in his current state.”

 

“So you wanna steal MY Tenchi do ya-?!”

 

“YOUR Tenchi?! As if Tenchi-sama would ever belong to the likes of you!” Aeka screeched at her.

 

“Yeah no. I have no romantic interest in this derp, being a happily married woman. No offense. I just...(sigh)...my baby is missing and I know for a fact one of the culprits is hiding out here.” she took a long sip. “The problem is I don't know where. As an anchor reality, I have no right to act here without the permission of the Guardian who created it. In this case him.”

 

“Um-” Tenchi blinked, opening his mouth only to be cut off.

 

“But it seems Tenchi’s current state of being prevents that. After all he can’t give permission if he doesn’t know what he's giving permission for.” Washu nodded sagely.

 

“Well-”

 

“Then that settles it. Get lost toots. Go peddle yer sobs story elsewhere. We can't help ya.” Ryoko demanded.

 

“Hey now-”

 

“While I would not have put it quite that way, that devil woman has a point Sylphine-sama. If you know Tenchi-sama cannot aide you, why remain here? I am sure there are other...realities? Yes realities where you would have more success, correct?” Aeka spoke diplomatically. The jab at Ryoko earning a glare.

 

“But-”

 

“Oh my! This is just like my soaps! The ones that make me cry! I can't imagine not having my baby, worrying about him being all alone!” Mihoshi wailed. 

 

“...”

 

“Oh that's so sad Sylphine-sama. There has to be something we can do for her!” Sasami sniffled.

 

“Perhaps, if you actually spoke to me not about me you could get an answer?”

 

Tenchi had everyone’s attention after that simple inquiry. His emblem flared to life upon his brow though this time he appeared more...serene than previous instances. The air about him that of a regal confident deity. Not a panicky spaz who had suddenly checked out mid-battle. With a gentle smile he turned to their guest.

 

“I am sorry to hear of your troubles Sylphine-sama. Though I do not believe the situation is as cut and dry as it appears. As for how that can be, well I suppose I must explain my actions as well.” Tenchi vaguely motioned to the table causing it to vanish and everyone found themselves in a different seat arranged in a semicircle. With one addition.

 

“W-what?” Tokimi blinked in confusion. She had been minding her own business in her realm, resting after their ordeal. Now she sat between Washu and the young princess bound to Tsunami...whom appeared behind the girl in ethereal form. To Washu’s right sat her daughters Ryoko and Ryo-ohki. Beside them, Mihoshi. To Tsunami's left, the House of Jurai members still earthside. Including Noike who had been adopted in.

 

“Now, this story is rather long if I go into much detail so I will summarize to keep from boring you all to death. As you know, the Three Goddesses have been searching for a being with potential greater than their own. What just occurred being the culmination of eons of searching and experimentation. What everyone fails to understand is I am not sealed or trapped within Tenchi Masaki. We are two facets, two levels of the same being. The depth of something is not apart from it’s length and width, merely another property by which to perceive it. I suppose you could call me Tenchi-kami-sama to differentiate. Now, did  _ no one _ wonder why the Choubimaru’s cannon blast didn't create the same crisis as Z slicing me in half? After all it took the three of you to shove me back into my shell did it not?” Air quotes went up around the word shell.

 

The girls (and Yosho) pondered this. All that changed in the new timeline was Z not existing. So the same result should have occurred right? He was very obviously killed by the blast-

 

“GAAHHHH! I JUST ASSUMED!” Washu flailed her arms wildly, almost taking out Mihoshi (Tokimi merely leaned away, eyebrow raised). Grabbing her hair in frustration she glared at Tenchi-kami-sama. “Some greatest mind in the universe I am! With no tangible, data I still made a hard conclusion! The cannon blast didn't kill you did it?”

 

“Don’t feel too bad Washu-chan.” Tenchi-kami-sama waved it off. “No, it did not. I didn't even die when Z succeeded. A lower level being couldn’t truly harm you or one of your sisters much less myself. What Z did do was severe the binds on my awareness.” At this the deity blushed, rubbing the back of his head. “Though for a split second, I admit to being a tad out of it. Resulting in the dimensional tremors felt by your supervisors as I awoke completely. Though I came to my senses in time, I felt it more prudent for the sisters to be the ones perceived to have averted disaster.”

 

“Out of...you mean all of creation almost ended because you were  _ groggy _ ?” Nobuyuki, his gobsmacked father, sputtered.

 

“That’s.... a fair assessment.” He had the decency to admit it. “As a guardian, my existence on this plane is...a delicate situation. Technically speaking, I am not allowed to interact at all with this plane unless there is a dire reason. On the scale of reality breaking. My purpose mainly is to hold my reality together. My daughters have more freedom but as it's mages are unable to directly interfere with the mortal realm. Only able to create priests and priestess from those who have passed on to carry out their will on this plane. However, exceptional circumstances exist for them as well.” 

 

“Personally I am more interested in why you would even bother.” Yosho spoke carefully. “You are the supreme ruler of our very existence Tenchi, yet you play the role of awkward teen spoiled for unwanted choice to a fault. While I am guilty of running away from my position centuries ago, I was at least secure in the knowledge that the post I left vacant could be filled by my sister who actually wanted the role or that my father was far from on his way out. You literally just told us you had absolutely no control over anything after you went to sleep. But why did you go to sleep in first place? And aren't you in violation of the taboos you mentioned?”

 

“Well no and isn’t that kinda hypocritical of you sir? I mean things have to be this way or everything goes poof. Tenchi wouldn’t be irresponsible when others are in danger right? Since he allowed things to naturally develop in direct opposition of the those rules, the taboos are the norm for us. If he backs off then things go so wonky he HAS to step in again. Come to think of it, they didn't really do anything bad. Washu-san had no powers for most of her time here and her discoveries probably accelerated the progress of the universe as a whole without favoring any one person or people. Tsunami-san didn’t seek out the ancestors of the Jurai royal line, they sorta bothered her while she was sleeping. She didn't actively do anything to establish the Empire, only gave them the means to do it themselves. And when she did get involved it was more Sasami’s will than her own. I remember how she saved her as a child but it’s kinda obvious Sasami did die that day- Tsunami just brought her back the same as ever just as part of herself. Tokimi-san never really did anything on this plane, only interacting with um...avatars? Yeah! She used people already here to affect this plane rather than come here herself. I also remember something in the GP files about Dr. Clay having an accident with his ship centuries ago. Grampa was very surprised when I brought him in. Hmm? Uh, is there something on my face?” Mihoshi suddenly noticed everyone gawking at her. 

 

Well, Tenchi smiled serenely at her before slightly shaking his head. Sylphine didn't seem at all affected by her deduction, instead looking rather bored with the whole affair. As if the crew were idiots for NOT reaching the same conclusion.

 

“I suppose it's only natural that she would put things together so quickly. She takes after her ancestor, The Goddess of Knowledge. At least in part.” Tenchi chuckled. Ignoring his pink haired daughter’s sputtering, he turned to Sylphine face stern. “Sylphine-sama, the same events which lead me to my actions I fear to be the cause of your troubles. A  disturbance in the very balance between all realities has caused strange anomalies for many guardians. Like ripples in a pond, the effect has been far reaching yet not affecting all areas at the same time. My ability to investigate has been limited; my initial solution was a snap decision to save my realm first and foremost. I have only just now become aware again.”

 

Sylphine froze. What the hell could cause the affinity to falter to much it created a domino effect like that?!

 

“What?! How?!”

 

“I can only imagine. Though I suppose the best place to start, seeing as I too have questions, would be locating your wayward cousin, ne?”

 

Light years away, an unassuming merchant oversaw a long awaited delivery of rare ingredients for his confections specifically ethyl methylphenylglycidate. The raw materials were hard to come by on the world where he worked and their nearest source happened to be solar systems away. As he opened a barrel of sweet smelling oil for inspection, a sense of impending dread shot down his spine. 

 

Starling the dark blond man so badly, he lost his footing and plunged face first into the viscous solution. Luckily, no one was around to see him failing about before the drum tipped completely over coating the storeroom floor in his precious, expensive ingredient.

 

*I3*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the mystery deepens.
> 
>  
> 
> So, yes the anime de jour is Tenchi Muyo. An anime/manga the creator has more or less admitted to being a self insert. Tenchi’s god form is essentially the creator himself. The story itself is...um...complicated/convoluted and cannot be fully summed up with a short blurb but here goes. Basically “normal” dude ends up with a harem of space babes trying to get in his pants while learning:
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> Surprise 1: The legend of the trapped demon his family shrine guards is real as shit.
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> Surprise 2: His shrine keeper Grampa is really 700+ alien prince who trapped said demon after she attacked his homeworld and their battle made it all the way to Earth.
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> Surprise 3: He is related to nearly every alien woman who's hot for him. And his actual fiance (pushed on him by his great aunt) was adopted into the royal family. This interlude actually makes that family tree situation more fucked up. How? Princess Ayeka is the only one whose relation to Tenchi does not change- she's always been his great aunt. But her little sister Princess Sasami is now not only his great aunt but also his DAUGHTER because of her fusion with Tsunami. By that same logic, Washu (no relation in canon) is now also Tenchi’s daughter making her daughter Ryoko (and her sister/impossibly adorable spaceship Ryo-ohki) his granddaughter(s) and Mihoshi (descended from the child Washu lost eons ago) his great (x♾) granddaughter. Every name I just mention has been trying to get Tenchi in the sack even the ones who knew they were related by blood. And yet I somehow made that more convoluted.
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> You're welcome!
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> FYI: The title is a play on the possible translation of the series title ‘Tenchi Muyo!’. Viz has officially translated it as ‘No Need For Tenchi’ when it can also mean ‘Tenchi is Useless’ among others.
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> Ethyl methylphenylglycidate is the chemical most commonly used to give sweets like Twizzlers a strawberry flavoring. That's a clue to the mage hiding there to escape Sylphine/literally anyone who figures out his involvement- Gabriel from Supernatural. Also that the Winchesters and Co. are probably not having fun with two powerful and pissed off immortal teenagers.
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> There will likely be a part two to this titled “Need for Sylphine. But Here She is Anyway, Still Pissed as All Get Out” that continues in the Tenchi-verse.
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> So, love it? Hated it? Utterly confuzzled? Lemme know! Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!

**Author's Note:**

> Random, I know.
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> So, didja catch the other fandoms mentioned?
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> Puck: Guardian of the Gargoyles Reality from Facade. Mages: Oberon and Titania.
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> Vishnu: Asshole invading the Young Justice Reality in Parallels. Mages: Kali and Shiva.
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> Yahweh: little harder cuz I have no story to reference; Guardian of the Supernatural TV show's Reality. Mages: Michael and Lucifer.
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> This is supposed to be a oneshot but that depends on how much you guys wanna see Thor twist in the wind n_n
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> Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out


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